Won zero

One of my favourite sporting memories is the final of the 2002 European Championships. Italy were winning 1-0 against France, the then World Cup holders. Late in the game Alessandro Del Piero broke free and was on his own, running almost the length of the field at Fabian Barthez. With only the keeper to beat, he fluffed his lines (badly). France went on to score a late equaliser and then a golden goal to win 2-1. This moment was the origin of the verb 'to Del Piero' which means 'to make the least of a good oppurtunity'.

At the time I was sad as I wanted Italy to win. Now I am happy.

But can it be said that Australia 'Del Pieroed' their moment yesterday? With 11 men against 10 (granted all 10 of them are defenders) Australia should have scored, even though they seemed quite intelligently waiting out the heat for extra time. Did we overcrowd the box as Johnny Nonation suggests? It is possible. The truth has to be said and that there was no goal, zero, and all with one player up. Ask the Dutch how they feel about this.

But watching Italy play, watching Del Pierro earn a free kick for a blatant dive, watching the 'anti-playing' of the ubiquitous Azzurri defence was like slowly strangling your lover during coitous to see the abyss open up behind the eyes at the moment of death. And you know the moment of death is the last instant of life, la petit mort. And you know they always say, never look into the eyes of a dying person. Yesterday, I understood that Italian football had looked too long too often into the obsidian lenses of the dead.

Call it divine intervention, 'the dive of God', call it corruption or cheating, hell, even call it 'winning', but when you return to the solitude of the showers, the change room, your champagne drinking model wife in the hotel room, and ultimately your patria after the Cuban holiday, you have to ask: 'Who am I?'

The answer for Italy is probably zero, nothing. They won nothing because they didnt have anything left in their hands. Once the death occurs and the eyes lose their shine, there is nothing left to seize onto. To steal (or was it given them by Spanish referee Luis Medina Cantalejo?) the match with a dive and converted penalty with the last breath in the last (infinite) seconds of normal time and claim it as something gained is a divine comedy. For Totti, a man who was sent off and banned in the 2004 European championships for spitting at an opponent, to take the penalty and claim glory with raised fists and triumph is another teatro to go alongside all the others. This is not victory.

The irony is that in a certain sense, it was the Italians who 'gave' football to Australia in the first place. It was always the Italians in the early days of post-racist Australia in the 80s who seemed to be most associated with football, more even than the Poms. What maybe Totti, Grosso, Del Piero and probably Berlusconi's mates at the other end of the telephone line, don't realise is that they have now truly given football to Australia. We now have an enemy, a historical opponent, each time we play we play for this memory, we play this rift as Kane and Abel. Lest we forget. This is what Australia came to the World Cup for. We now have our own football history and we take a lot with us. The courage, the respect, the experience the momentum for our own domestic game (at least we hope).

The Italians, let them go on pretending. Their lonelinees now only closes in a little as those loyal or at least neutral turn away from what cannot be sustained with dignity. Like England and Sven in a different way. Whereas England hide behind their piles of Premiership cash, the Italians will go back to a Serie A World that no longer exists. Grosso thankfully is a Palermo man and not playing for one of the four clubs facing corruption at the moment, but Del Piero can't claim the same. Will he be worth rescuing from Juventus as they drift to the murky bottom of Italian football and Serie B? I think not, unless shirt sales start to fall.

Australia lost. Italy lost more. We, at least, are on the side of life. And to all those Italians in the campus bar who told me to go home. Fuck you. Catalonia is not Spain and it certainly isnt Italy. I'm going out now to buy my Ukraine shirt.

Dog eat dog

Tired of being the best??? Worse, tired of going for the underdog in the Mundial?? Tired of supporting teams you have no emotional connection to??? Is it better to play well or just simply win??? Sometimes its hard to make a choice about important things that really matter.

In response to these and many other queries about this site and its straight, upfront subjective treatment of all things, we have been sent a link that might help you make up your mind. For conscience-free loyalty and guaranteed righteousness, let this website make all your difficult footballing decisions for you:

http://www.wdm.org.uk/whoshouldicheerfor/

Muchas gracias a Chapero por este.

Souvenirs, novelties, partytricks

We all know how overboard the marketing firms go during the World Cup. It's not possible to advertise anything without showing a football somewhere, even if the two are completely unrelated. Football even replaces women as the most exploited object during the month long festival.

But in the host nation things are a step beyond what you imagine. Everyone know that the Deutsche Telekom tower in Berlin was decorated like a football a month before the tournament, but can you imagine a world where everything is football? Picture it like Homer Simpson when he goes to the land of chocolate (funnily enough, also in Germnay) and you are not far off. You get football themed resteaurants, shop windows, ice creams, McDonalds toys,tv screens in every cafe and bar, flag waving fans of every country and armies of fans in team shirts. If you hate football it must make you want to kill yourself. After all, Michael Ballack is there recommending every product, Franz Beckenbauer is advertising himself and Rudi Voller seems everywhere in person.

But hats off to the person who invented the 'urinal football pitch'. A useless item that made its inventor rich judging by the sheer number in the bars in Munich (and yes, I too was in a lot of bars). It is a green mat lined like a pitch (presmably scented) with more holes than Stamford Beach and a little goal with a ball hanging off a string. There's endless penalty glory as you knock the ball into the back of the net again and again. Its fantastic fun. The only shame is that (most) ladies wont be able to play.

U. S. of A.

Read some Naom Chomsky for an understanding of America. Or just read some of his quotes at: www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/noam_chomsky.html

The future? It won’t be like 2002. Landon Donavon to farewell the game as a hated man.

Bottomless Pit ranking? They shoot horse don’t they? Visit America and find out. Visit the rest of the World and find out.

Spain

They wanted to rule the World and almost did. Too much Catholicism almost led them astray, although Luis Garcia will have the rosary beads out cometh the hour.
To all those conquered and murdered by the Spanish – we salute you for your resolve and for some reason adopting their language (hello most of the Americas).
Franco was a scoundrel and his legacy is reserved for no one. Fascists Spaniards would yell stupid phrases such as “Long Live Death!” – embarrassing.

We are on the side of life.

A really big thumbs down to Spain if they win it but as usual they’ll choke on their rosary beads.

The Future? Enough thrust and guts up front? Villa and Torres? Morientes will enjoy the break from playing – well maybe. Spanish coach Luis Aragones the first to be shafted and sacked.

Bottomless Pit rating? All their murderous days are over of occupation and spreading disease.

World Cup Diary

Day 1 Friday 9th June

I was having a German dream when I woke up this morning. I was seated in a dark early morning room with some of my friends from the laboratory. In front of us was a floor to ceiling window shut off by a heavy blue curtain. To the side of this, in the corner of the room was an imposing wooden cabinet with a large television on top. It loomed over us like a master or like a scoreboard perhaps. We had just begun to watch Herzog’s masterpiece Aguirre, the wrath of God. The haunting music of Popol Vuh began from nowhere, from the pre-dawn light blooming outside, and it seemed to be coming through the room and through the dream into day. The ant-like procession of conquistadors down the mountain seemed to carry the sound with them. The action began and the characters began to speak in German which none of us could understand. I stopped the film and lost myself in the matrix of buttons on the remote trying to activate the subtitles. There was row after row of blue buttons on the device that confused me and a set them that activated different languages: ALE, ESP, ITA, ENG, JAP. I didn’t know which one to select. Which language would we all understand?

It seemed almost like a predictive dream since I spent about half an hour lost on the Deutsche Bahn website trying to find where my eTicket was, wishing the website wasn’t trying to offer me so many services in German.

The first thing I noticed to be different about the day was the increase in the number of ‘nation’ football shirts on the street and not the usual Barça uniform. By the time I was one stop inside the metro I had seen a Dutch, an Argentinian and a Brazilian shirt. Being Catalonia, there was of course a paucity of España officionados.

The people I work with weren’t really interested in the World Cup. I’d organised a sweepstakes at work, the first one that they’d seen. It was exciting, but a l ittle confusing. People kept asking me who was playing that day, but nobody was going to watch any of the matches. They were all going to play basketball. In the end, the first game kicked off while I was on a train rushing to a bar. I sat next to a man in an Ecuador shirt who seemd to have an air of contentment and pride. I made it to a bar just as Wanchope equalised for the Ticos.

I watched the game on my own having a strange conversation in Spanish with two guys from the Dominican Republic who worked behind the bar. They thought Brazil would win, maybe Germany or England. While I watched they wheeled in a new giant flat screen. Television sales must go through the roof every four years.

Klisnmann reminded me a bit of Arsene Wenger or a bus driver going to the opera. He didn’t seem like he lived in California. The crowd too seemed strange, like there was an applause machine lighting up at different times. But it’s a strange way to live, watching people like this. You see 22 men, usually less in each frame, who’s identity you can establish. You have a green earth bordered by words: Toshiba, McDonalds, FIFA, Coca-Cola. The names of our enemies. Behind that is the crowd who for most of the match we see like pixels, like units of colour, like light passing through leaves on a tree in a breeze. You don’t see many faces, just a rustling change, or maybe pockets of colour fluttering a little. They seem so peaceful out there, only watching.

Eight goals in the first two games. Some start. But it seems again like Aguirre: 32 teams of men parading down the mountain, but in the end, there is only Kinski and hundreds of monkeys as nature reclaims its territory. I’m not sure what sort of omen this is.

- Ramon

Paraguay

This land-locked nation dream of knocking off a big gun at the World Cup, they get their chance in game one versus England and who knows what might happen after that? “Peace and Justice” is Paraguay’s motto but the country was named after water going down a toilet – well almost. The Guarani Indians had nothing to do in naming the country. How this country got off the ground is an odd case. Europeans settled in the area in the 16th century, Spanish explorer Juan de Salazar founding the country in 1537. It was left to Jesuit missionaries to camp around the place and get the locals into scripture and slavery. Paraguay eventually shook off Spanish influences by 1813. Paraguay were hopeless during the 1865-1870 War of the Triple Alliance, Paraguay lost lots of territory and lost males (and at least half its population) - although all these deaths seemed exaggerated at the time. It didn’t stop Paraguay taking land off Bolivia, which led to the Chaco war – it took the League of Nations to sort it out by 1935. War heroes and reformists went head to head, liberals were antagonised provoking revolts leaving thousands dead. It took the army in 1954, under General Stroessner (with a name like that he was prefect for Joseph Heller’s Catch 22) held power for 35 years and unbelievably was rather successful in getting the country up to scratch – but by the end of it his government were criticised for human rights abuses – Stroessner eventually going into exile, has he ever been arrested?

Democracy was Paraguay’s last chance starting in 1993, about the same time as the rest of the Latin Americas. It didn’t stop peasants protesting and striking in annoyance against policies that had been implemented. Assassinations became fashionable especially against anyone who was anti-drugs. There’s always protection for drug barons and drug-lords. At least there were cutbacks in timber exports (if a bear shits in the woods, where can it hide?). Anyway, economic reform has been on the agenda for the last 10 years ensuring the rich get richer and the poor well, they work like dogs you’d expect. Yet civilians made sure that some military personnel went to prison or resigned due to their corruption and incompetency’s – citizens 1 dickheads 0. Abuses of power continued especially against President Cubas in 1999. It didn’t stop the Vice President Luis Maria Argana being gunned down on a street. Cubas didn’t attend the funeral, impeachment proceedings saw him step down – Cubas was given asylum in Brazil – bastard! Those in power shot dead protestors. The military machines of men were still keeping pace.

Power struggles have continued since 1999 – but for all the wrong reasons - arrests, extraditions, fraud, prosecutions, kidnappings and scandals. Brazil and the United States requested the end of power to the military (that’s irony for you). Former Presidents Oviedo, Stroessner and Macchi have unfortunately remained difficult tom extradite and they are relatively unknown figures in the West who were destructive towards Paraguayan glory and stability.

The future? Paraguay must adapt immediately or else it will be too late. European dominance must be avoided. Gamara (the Captain) seems capable of stopping England and Sweden. One draw and a good win against Trinidad & Tobago will just about do it. Paraguay battle like crazy against Brazil and Argentina. Can they continue the trend?

Bottomless pit ranking? War is over in Paraguay. These men of incredible pride are determined to win and have on the last two occasions got out of their group. Paraguay if eliminated will hit the Reeperbahn in Berlin and head to the Tresor Club and burn it down!

Portugal

Portugal – home of the ‘beautiful ports’ as described by the Romans with plenty of coastline to launch assaults so that they became colonising junkies. However they did have their hiccups with the Moors – thus making Portugal one of the most ‘ethnic’ of countries. So many influences – so many angels and devils. From the Celts who invaded the Iberians, who thus intermarried. The Greeks were never too far away and the Romans had no choice but to invade way back in 219BC, however the Lusitanian tribes of the north drove them out, until the Lusitanian’s were bribed to kill their own leader. Soon the Visigoths of Germany rocked up. Both the Germans and Romans had to endure the invasion by the Moors. By the time the Moors were ousted, Portugal aimed for independence as far back as 1128, but a battle ensured that in 1143 Portugal had found her feet, if indeed she was a she. However, what sort of idealism is a nation when there’s no war to keep you occupied? So the Portuguese took to the battlefields again but no one had a degree in medicine so the Black Death ravaged the country.

Dissatisfied with war at home, Portuguese fleets took to the seas thus becoming one of the most prominent of seafarers and sea sickness. Discovering lands in North Africa, in Guinea, and the Congo. Then India, which led to prosperity beyond their means. Portugal forgot one thing – they didn’t have enough people to colonise the world! So what did Portugal do? They lied to everyone saying how big they were but never disclosed information about their invasions. This secrecy has frustrated historians even to the point that maybe Columbus didn’t discover America. The king of sailors, Vasco da Gama went further than any computer game. It was Cabral who claimed Brazil in 1500. Everyone went Treaty mad whilst kings aiming for glory were slain. Portugal was incredibly wise to starve off Spanish interests for so long; nevertheless Portugal remained a backwater in the 18th century. Portugal was invaded by Napoleon’s cronies, the Portuguese Royal family fled to Brazil. Eventually Brazil won independence (that population in Portugal could never have occupied Brazil!). Liberals and conservatives struggled away. Slavery went down the drain but it didn’t alleviate the poverty.

By 1875 a republican Socialist Party took control, yet King Carlos 1st was assassinated, which led to drama in Lisbon throughout the start of the 20th century. Portugal allied itself with Britain in WWI, Germany was not happy. The Portuguese lost numbers. Turmoil was around the corner yet again where reform could not get off the ground so the republic gave rise to revolutionary coups, military counter- coups and aborted royalist uprisings. Panic was never too far away in Portugal. In 1932 Salazar brought in his “New State’ program where social reforms and public works took root. Remarkably Portugal stayed right away from WWII but the British did use bases in the Azores. The secret police couldn’t help themselves during elections. Goa fell back to India in 1961, leaving only the African colonies which the Portuguese would not give up easily. Salazar spent loads of money and fought futile wars as nationalist movements got underway in Africa. By the 1970s the Socialists and Communists aimed for electoral control but by 1975 a majority of African countries and islands found their own feet. Portugal even lost East Timor to Indonesia in 1976. Portugal’s fame worldwide was coming to an end. The last 25 years has seen Portugal remain relatively stable, where reform and liberal-socialism is the platform in which Portugal has found its place in the sun.

Portugal can however be criticised for complacency – this was seen at World Cup 2002 where Portugal were bundled out easily and in silly circumstances against Korea Republic in the last game – how did Pauleta miss that goal? Then when Portugal were the hosts for Euro 2004, they were twice beaten by Greece and devastatingly one of those games was the final itself. This is a great squad, controlled by one of the strangest managers, namely Luiz Felipe Scolari who looks more like someone who’d cut your lawn than coach Brazil to a world championship in 2002. Big Phil has eternal faith in his younger than normal Portuguese upstarts and there is considerable belief Portugal can win the World Cup – perhaps against their formal colony Brazil.

The future? Is Pauleta good enough? He fumed and fell at World Cup 2002 and has never gone to a big European club, likewise Nuno Gomes. Deco and Figo (his last games for Portugal?) wait to do the damage in midfield. Simao, Petit and Tiago look deadly with free-kicks and it must be said Portugal work very hard in their shooting yet complacency is a disease Portugal are guilty of and they look likely to shake this off with Big Phil cutting the grass. The defence are tougher than ever and most of them are doing their trade in the UK. Expect Portugal to deliver the goods!

Bottomless pit ranking? There’s no doubt Portugal were dirty bastards during their colonial power days. How Portuguese became the native language in Brazil is just staggering. Brazil is the equivalent of America in the north, colonised at about the same time but just like the Portuguese national team, the Portuguese were too lazy, anxious and cruel to make Brazil a powerful country. If only the ‘special one’ Jose Mourinho was in charge back then. Mourinho will be landing by helicopter near a German stadium near you. No doubt when Portugal is eliminated Jose will say “Best team lost” – Portugal historically, lost out in the World’s affairs.

And with time permitting, the World Cup

Angola.

The team with the most players who don’t have clubs wont last long and it might be awhile before they’re back again. Their first game will be a symbolic affair against their old colonial masters, Portugal, and will be the peak of the neutral’s support as well as the first game to have a red card. Adios.

Argentina.

The second consecutive finals in a group of death for the South Americans will be a torrid affair. Nerves and tension against largely unknown and dogged teams will take its toll. Thank God they have enough hair to pull out. Plenty of goals and pressure, but no wins, only gritty draws and impossibilities, will see a sad group phase exit and the creation of a deep vein of philosophical searching. Most sorely missed team again.

Australia.

The other group of death with a great mix of confederations and powerful confusions. Courage more than style will lead Australia to the unexpected position of first in the group after low scoring and punishing games. Japan will be eventually broken down and the final against Croatia will be another pub-brawl with at least one red card. The big surprise will be the lucky win over Brazil, who will struggle to be beautiful in the face of Aussie ugliness. One lucky player will be the first ever Australian to score in a finals and Viduka will be drunk for every match, like all the supporters who will instantly garner a reputation worse than England.

Brazil.

A great team waning and they will not win the World Cup this time. Exhaustion, slow preparations and a tough group will wear the champions out. First bruised by Croatia and then Australia they will limp out of the group struggling against an imperialistic Japan. Ronaldo to start on the pitch and finish the tournament and his international career on the bench. The real question will be, how will he do his hair? Their fans will be more beautiful than the game.

Costa Rica.

Everyone was hoping for a symbolic re-creation of the start of WWII with Poland and Germany in the opening gambit of the tournament. However, the Ticos will, like Angola, peak their popularity early as everyone rallies against Germany for 90 minutes. It might all seem to no avail, until a lucky third match win against the disorganised Poles will see them through in second place unless Ecuador, potentially a better side, can hold their own.

Croatia.

Struggled against a (perpetually) under performing Spanish side in the ultimate warm-up friendly and a little put-off by the concentration required over the duration of the finals. Physically dangerous, but Dado Prso is not enough on his own to bring much fame or glory for the team. A beautiful, angry people, but bottom of a difficult group with more questions than answers.

Czech Republic.

The team everyone wanted to play against the hosts in the Euro 2004 final, but now waning in power as well as they age. Nedved will sing his first and last on the biggest stage with many lighters waving in the air. Experience and steely central European passion will be enough for second place in the group, but the ‘bouncebackability’ of the 2004 tournament won’t be present, especially when facing Australia or Brazil.

Ecuador.

Will be unlucky against Poland in their opener and battle with great maturity and intelligence against Costa Rica and ultimately Germany in the last game. They will certainly make Klinsmann sweat a lot before their ultimate early flight home after the group phase. However, they will benefit the most of the weaker teams by attracting attention to many of their key players who are still based at home.

England.

Nobody wants to see Peter Crouch doing his robot dance, so we are all praying for Rooney and Owen to be fit, which looks somewhat likely. England will start slowly and struggle in the group, first against the pace and desire of Paraguay and lastly against the stubborn Swedes, against whom the English cant seem to win. They will romp home against Trinidad, of course, where Crouch will do his dance, but they will finish second in the group.

France.

Like the Czechs, a team of aging stars and soft core attitude. Somehow they will win the group, mostly through Henry and the weak link of Togo who will be thrashed. South Korea will be like vengeful dogs at the heals of Zidane and Viera in the second game while the first against Switzerland will be a goalless bore-draw. The end of their generation, and not before time. Cisse has unfortuantely broken his leg again and will miss the tournament, but this, overall, is positive for international football as it opens up all sorts of possibilities for worsrt hair of the tournament.

Germany.

Things aren’t looking good for the hosts. Media tension is mounting and performances miserable. The home crowd will at first lift and then condemn the hapless team. Klinsmann’s preparations will leak too many goals that the forwards wont be able to make up for. The mid-field will spend most of the time blaming everyone else and ultimately Ballack for defecting to Chelski and for being unfit. Their group is a gift that will ultimately work against them by failing to steel them against better opposition and the inevitable trap-door exit. Too much room for error here. Adios.

Ghana.

Potentially one of the better African teams, they will be one of the few to celebrate the injustice of a group phase exit on goal difference. A win (against USA), a draw and a loss against Italy will seem fair to the Ghanan’s who will impress many and be forgotten just as easily. Essien desperately needs to perform to refind some confidence.

Holland.

One of the better teams on paper, but as always a little wild and just as likely to underachieve. They are youthful and passionate, but a little undisciplined. They start too fast and finish slow. They are as rigidly organised as a German team and will be wanting to avenge the loss of 1974 when Total Football looked good, but only came second. Lots of players appear injury prone and the physicality of the tournament will be a torpor for the luckless van Basten’s preparations. He will smile only once during the tournament when it begins to rain.

Iran.

A goalless tournament for the underachieving Iranian’s. Speed, discipline and organisation failing to make up for the class and drive of Portugal and Mexico. The last game against Angola will be a frustrating affair, with a missed penalty and shots off the woodwork. They will wonder how it all happened and be too worried about what sanctions will be imposed on their country to care about failing again.

Italy.

The Azzurri, the team that trails clichés like cans tied to a newlyweds car. Once again, the best looking team; once again a strong performance in all games; once again an unlucky exit… But the group stage is all theirs. A cat walk past the USA and a late show of flair will crush Ghana and flatter Lippi’s men, with only the Czech to cause serious tactical problems. All their goals to come in the second half.

Ivory Coast.

One of the other shining African teams with an impossible task. Drogba and Toure will anchor the team at either end of the pitch, but the wobbles and relative inexperience in the middle show a lot of potential to mature and fight. Bottom of the group of death means nothing (ask, um, Nigeria), but this team will entertain and frustrate the neutrals until the end.

Japan.

A real footballing force will be furious to leave after three games. They will emerge from the tournament as an international power and having gained the most. No more of the World Cup being about ‘Europe plus Brazil and Argentina’. Japan deserve respect and will be unlucky not to cause more damage and only claiming the scalp of Croatia. Their wordless style will make its mark. Prepare to take a bow.

Mexico.

With only Portugal to worry about in the group phase, Mexico will romp into second place and enjoy an attacking game against their nearest opponents. Their only worries are their penchance for self-destruction, doping, violence and their perennially bad kits (France ’98 in particular). The curse of Montezuma, not quite, but a blistering team with great depth of skill waiting to implode with fireworks and take anyone or anything with them. Always worth watching and hoping for. Futboles perros.

Paraguay.

The ladies favourite team for that cute accent, sweet brown eyes, exotic style and the devilishly handsome Roque Santa Cruz, who is thankfully, almost, back in fitness and out in the middle. Paraguay will be revving to go at England with pace and swift passing, but will need a bit more than a pitch full of panties to make the next round.

Poland.

The great Polish red eagle flies again and will want to improve on the disappointment of Japan-Korea and the missing years before this. Unfortunately, recent form doesn’t suggest a great fighting force and the potential for a lot of self-blame, loss of self confidence and whingeing. Ecuador and Costa Roca will prove an equal and more vivid competition, but expect a brutal fight with the hosts that will be definitely worth the entry money.

Portugal.

A team at their peak like Portugal will be hard to check. Their creative movement and wind-swept runs will take them far, especially with the spur of recent memory gained from their near-triumph in Lisbon at the final of the European championships. Weak links could be Cristiano Ronaldo, who will need to look up from his navel, and Scolari, who will be busy signing autographs of uninformed English fans as well as looking for a new job. Figo will bow out to luke warm applause; as in the European championships, he is good for one memorable moment.

Saudi Arabia.

The second of two potential terrorist nations after Iran to be in the finals. Always a strong contender for worst kit and worst performance, despite a strong presence in the Asian qualifiers. Don’t expect much and don’t expect many fans to be allowed into the country.

Serbia and Montenegro.

Their first and last World Cup after the recent referendum to separate the two countries. Will factions split the team who performed well enough to top their qualifying group and earn a special draw and a place in the group of death? Kezman, the greatest living player, could be in contention for the golden boot, but it will be tough work for Serbia and Montenegro as they limp from the group in second place. This group will also feature Kezman against many of his old Chelsea team mates: Robben in the Dutch squad and Drogba in the Ivory Coach. Will there be love lost?

South Korea.

International football is a dog-eat-dog world of consistency and determination that suits the Korean attitude and diet. Pace and skill may be on hand-a-plenty to stretch even the best teams, but this time, the referees wont come so cheap. They will make the aging French side work to the core and the last match against consistent Switzerland will be a great test of contrasting styles. But don’t expect the semi-finals this time.

Spain.

What’s the problem with Spain? Potentially great players, great passion, great drive and a great league, but one of the most poor international standings after England. Why? Blame Liverpool, blame Saki at the European finals or even the sweaty underarms of Comacho before that, but what the hell is going on? Their best player is their goalkeeper, Casillas, for God’s sake. The team cant seem to play together, to have mental drive, to be cold killers of opposition. Watch them go far without seeming to deserve to and then fail to find anything resembling the threshold of immortality. They are scared of Ukraine, and Tunisia will be tough for them.

Sweden.

A team who could be ruthless or a team who could fall apart on the first corner. Sweden are top heavy with a ruthless attacking potential, but a potential to lack the nuts and bolts where distribution and stability are concerned. Nevertheless, they will be one of the most relaxed teams in the tournament and could beat the Argentinians to the most/best/worst hair stakes, if only for their high beard quotient. At least Larsson learned from the past…

Switzerland.

Boring country and boring style. Not much to stay except stifle everything with claustrophobic order. Their play-off qualifier against Turkey, however, may have taught them a bit of street fighting nous. Sepp Blatter wont be able to prevent a group phase exit at the expense of South Korea. Nothing to talk about here.

Togo.

Well, most of the team may not be from Togo, they have a new coach, a petulant striker in Adebayor and the high unlikelihood of getting a goal or back into the tournament for some time. Not even really one for the neutrals, maybe, but with no chance, its hard to do anything but dig a grave.

Trinidad and Tobago.

Dwight Yorke may relish the chance of playing against some of his ex-team mates in the England match, but the Sydney FC hero will not have much chance of more than three games and a chance to write a few post cards home. Mentally prepared, maybe, but Trinidad and Tobago should also be prepared to think about letting a lot of goals in.

Tunisia.

A good team with a lot of soul, but they will be pitted against better funded opponents who will probably strike it lucky. Tunisia is well and truly capable of surprises and will test all their opponents to the limit and they fear nobody. The underdogs of choice, surely, and a great spark of unpredictability in their group. Worth watching and potentially a great hope for African football.

Ukraine.

Schevchenko will, like the Czech Republic’s Nedved and Serbia and Montenegro in its entirety, will play in his first and last final before the move to Chelsea. They topped their qualifying group, maybe without a beautiful perfection, but will lumber forward with the slow relentlessness of a Soviet tank. A country waiting to be recognised, expect great things, but not all things at once. A moderately tough group phase will favour a hard fought progression to the next round.

United States.

The last alphabetically and the last sympathically. The USA fancy themselves in true style, particularly after their unpredicted romp in Korea-Japan 2002. This time, coach Bruce Arena will have to settle for less. A lot less. His opponents will not succumb to defeat at the hands of a ‘soccer’ nation. The stars McBride and Donovan are in the realms of no-return and will relish their swansong, but almost goalless, the USA will limp home to the MLS and turn on the baseball. Nobodies favourite.

First knock-out phase.

Games to watch will be Spain avenging themselves against South Korea and some brutal pace in Holland versus Mexico. Australia could triumph against the Czech’s if they win their group and shock everyone by making it to the quarter finals. If they come second in the group they will go out to Italy. Game of the round will be England versus Germany, the former winning against an incomplete side that wont handle the pressure. This will be a media storm. The other cracker will be the brutal extra time victory of Italy against Brazil. Sadly, no African nations will make it out of the groups, with Ghana perhaps offering the best hope.

Quarter finals.

A calmer, fitter (better looking) Italian squad will make up for the last gasp loss to France in the final of Euro 2000. Zidane will bid adieu and Henry will go back to Wenger thinking of Barcelona. England will finally see the full force return of Rooney to see off a bewildered but racey Dutch side. Portugal’s consistency will be too much for the Swedes and Spain will dominate Australia, or perhaps Brazil. Definitely no further than here for the current champions.

Semi-finals.

Poor luck for Italy against England as the referee fails to notice John Terry interfering with the keeper, allowing Gerrard to slot home late in the game. A more mental than smooth semi-final, but a breathless one at that. Sven Goran Erikksons role in the side will already be over as the team form their own purpose, allowing the team to play as themselves and on their nerves instead of in the champagne ice bucket. In a re-hash of the group phase in Euro 2004, Portugal clash with rivals Spain, defeating the latter in a brilliant match, one of the best of the tournament.

Third place.

Italy versus Spain will see the Azzurri dominate. Raul bids farewell, coming on only as a substitute. The group bow at the end of the match will patronise many people.

The Final.

One of the classics. England against Portugal with fond memories again of the last European championships. A string of goals, backwards and forwards, and a hurricane pace will exhaust players. Watch Gerrard’s face as he strains as if he hasn’t been to the toilet for days. Cristiano Ronaldo crying when the Geezers eventually succumb to a Peter Crouch penalty and robot dance will be the highlight of the tournament.

Mexico

ghostrider, motorcycle hero
bebebebebebebe he's lookin' so cute
sneakin' round round round in a blue jumpsuit
ghostrider motorcycle hero
bebebebebebebe he's a-blazin' away
packin' stars stars stars in the universe
ghostrider motorcycle hero
bebebebebebebe he's a-screamin' the truth
america america is killin' its youth
bebebebebebebe he's a-sceamin' away
america america is killin' its youth
america america is killin' its youth
ghostrider
ghostrider

Viva la revolution Mexico! History has been a bitch to Mexico.
The tide must turn. Grab a girl hold her tight, Mexico wins in Europe tonight.
Yeah OK, stuff about the Aztecs and the Spanish and so on, the conquests, the horror – the colonial periods, the Good the Bad and the Ugly of the Mexican civil war. The United States stole lots of their land and people. Dictators came and went some sort of Mexican economic miracle occurred. Marian apparitions at some time or another and they say a meteorite hit the place and wiped out all the dinosaurs.

The Future? Millions of people, oh man millions of people who’d love a triumph at the World Cup. No stars, a team of warriors! But please none of those Mexican hats!!!

Bottomless pit rating? Bravery until the very end. It’s never been fun being Mexican. Massive economy – loads of poverty and crime. At least murder tends not to be on the agenda. Spain and America you have been warned. Saints and sinners – welcome all.

Johnny Nonation.

Japan

You just never know with Japan. The advances in football in the country is similar to their efforts at being the second largest economy and one of the leading industrial countries. Japan used to be easy beats only 10 years ago, now they fight to the bitter end and I promise not to mention Kamikaze pilots OK! The Japanese don’t seem to recognise China these days even though the Chinese were influential during the 5th-6th centuries. Yet during the 12th-18th centuries Japan was feudal, fucked up and freaky. That has continued up to the 21st century.

‘Peace and progress’ is the emperor’s motto but did a Chinese Empress flash her breasts ordering a Japanese envoy to call Japan Nippon instead of Nihon? The Japanese archipelago has had its difficult moments in history. We are talking seriously long times here. What you did in life pretty much dictated where you were in society. Farmer, fisherman, weaver, talk show host, car salesman, potter, artisan, reality TV contestant, tosser, armourer or cultist.

The classical era in Japan was derived from Korean and Chinese influence – writing was born, culminating in massive chronicles in the 8th century. Unfortunately the Japanese mistook themselves as God’s (the Chinese just thought they were a dwarf state). Talk of Emperors and direct descendants to Shinto deities was described, yet Shoguns, the nobles and military did the power talk. Confucian philosophy was in the domain of the Japanese up until the 19th century. Now it’s baseball, bizarre reality TV shows, Nintendo and karaoke.

Japan had its medieval period, where ruling class warriors worried the shit out of people. Resisting the Mongols who had taken Korea was critical for Japan to maintain autonomy from the rest of Asia. Japan was never too far away from warring as clan politics dictated regions. The Portuguese stepped in during the 16th century, they watched on as Japan battled with Korea and China helped Korea fight back. The rivalries of clans were known as the Edo period – and he didn’t play for Brazil at the time.

The Meiji era followed, known as the ‘restoration’, the United States opened up trade and the emperor was the central figure after the Shogun’s were defeated in the Boshin War in 1868. Imperial Japan raised its face to the sun and defeated Russia at its border along with China at the start of the 20th century. By 1910 Japan controlled Korea, Taiwan and other islands. Japan expanded and became powerful during its alliance with the allies in WWI, however, greater nationalism came to the country which allowed Japan to invade China (the USA resented this) but before anyone knew it Japan had pulverised the United States at Pearl Harbour and on doing so entered WWII joining German-Italian interests. A long campaign continued in the Pacific. POWs held by the Japanese described atrocities and brutality which broke all Geneva Convention codes and Monopoly ules but Japan was eventually humiliated by two atomic bombs and today by the motorcar. The bombs were dropped to end Japan’s bitter fighting and stop more atrocities from occurring. It ended with Japanese war crimes and a change of heart by Japan – they adopted the ‘American Way’ and went mega-industrial. The US assisted Japan up to 1952.

Japan’s growth was phenomenal. Economically Japan ranks highly in all industries whether in crops, electronics or top class hookers. Japanese culture is the most ambitious culture of all time accelerating their industrial sector after the Korean War and as a result of a continued threat of communism from China. How the wheels turned. Japan low in energy sources adopted energy saving technology and survived through their exports. They have been smart enough.

After Hirohito died in 1989 the corruption amongst politicians was rife. Terrorism surfaced in Japan with the attempted poison attack in 1995 on Tokyo’s subway. Fusak Shigenobu leader of the notorious Red Army was arrested (aged 55) having been on the run for 3 decades. If only Godzilla was in town.

So to Japan’s football – only in the past 30 years have they really felt they could qualify for a World Cup. This is their third appearance in a row and deservedly so given that their domestic competition is always tight like a Tokyo train full of people where there are always claims of men groping women. Twelve players from 2002 return with a greater edge in experience and it is expected that Japan will be battling just as hard as Croatia and Australia to get out of the group with Brazil.

The future? Takahara is the great hope up front and Nakata will have to play with great scope for the team. Most of the players play domestically. Inamoto and Ono hope to repeat what they did in Japan 4 years ago. Expect an intense passion in their play.

Bottomless pit ranking? The only problem with Japan is they have always been a bit soft in coming forward and apologising for WWII and the aggression they demonstrated. Many Japanese however should see the film “The Thin Red Line” which is a startling existential account of war a\proves that conflict has no divine recourse or that killing your enemies means you’re better – besides Japan rakes in the cash these days, the 2nd World War was probably the best thing that ever happened to them – they aren’t ridiculed as much as the Germans. Here’s to Japanese hookers in school uniforms then

Italy

Italy does this, Italy do that – it’s high time the stereotyping of Italians ends but unfortunately it seems to never go away. The best Europeans at diving, spitting, cheating, corruption, mafia etc etc etc etc ad nauseum. Then again a new character of ‘Italianism’ has yet to be born has it?

What do you say about the Italy of today? We’re not talking modernistic here. Italy seems fragile these days. Non-caring yet desperate for a change or a coup, just something please. Statistics say otherwise. Italians are too loyal, and then there’s a mistress or two. The Italian Republic is made up of cul-de-sacs of people. What do you expect when you jut out of the Mediterranean Sea and for 3000 years people have dropped in on your terrain. You name it; they’ve been there – migrations of Germanic, Frankish, Sabine’s, Latin’s, and Etruscans, Byzantine Greek, Saracen, Norman, Moors, Albanians, American celebrities and men with mullets. It is extremely difficult to describe Italy’s history without acknowledging the whole footprint the country has left on the world. It has deeply influenced many countries, none more so than America and Australia. The USA will play Italy and Australia may also get the chance. But earlier than this the Romans left their mark all over Europe and West Asia. They also dramatise the religion of Catholicism in Rome, are handy in the arts and central to the sciences. Italy seems linked to both the tragic and heroic in its history and that seems to come part and parcel with the National team.

In a nutshell, they had the Latin’s; Rome was the centre of power. The islands of Corsica, Sardinia and Sicily fell. A media magnate mad e Milan the centre of power – the media, financial system and AC Milan fell, The Italian way centres around power – but no longer at the authoritarian level but through money and gold-digger super-models. Some massive figures played their part in Rome and Italy’s path – Constantine, Julius Caesar, Augustus, Joe Dolce, Marcus Aurelius, Russell Crowe and Justinian. And little known figure Pontius Pilate should have had Christ scram out of the holy land before the miracle of the resurrection occurred – the rest as they say is the Papacy. Charlemagne was the main-man for this as the Holy Roman Empire took aim up to the 13th century. Politics and Religion were the supreme beings of power.

The renaissance was a period of great art and wealth where the grandest of artists took pleasure in ripping off the authorities – Michelangelo, Botticelli, Raphael, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Piero Manzoni, Leonardo da Vinci caught-codeless, Caravaggio, Giotto, Dante, Megan Gale and Federico Fellini. However up to the 15th century Italian cities were warring away their bountiful qualities, which also led to the opening of wars against France and Spain. Sardinia eventually falling to France. Napoleon had a stint as King of Italy. Regions of Italy fell and were resurrected into Italian power through the dogmatic efforts of Mazzini, Victor Emmanuel II, Count Camillo Carvour and Italy’s number one hero – Giuseppe Garibaldi who is now honoured as a sausage manufactured in Australia – go figure.

By 1870 Italy was a republic. But party politics was the new uncertainty in Italy. Umberto I was assassinated. The monarchy, republican ideas, socialist ideas and bad Italian cinema was spontaneously mixing together into a volatile liqueur. Italy had trouble over Tunisia with France in 1888 so they flipped to the German-Austrian alliance – a bad move by the time WWI came along, as Italy changed sides. Italy advanced into Africa – one wonders what types of atrocities occurred. .After WWI the Fascist Party over ran all parties with its devout right-wing advice and threats. Out of the darkness came the Black-shirts and Benito Mussolini whose inventions of lies were more useful than truth. His terror tactics worked – Italy gave rise to Il Duce’s power. A new leader was born. The Vatican rode on the back of Mussolini’s terror. The Fascists supported Franco in Spain and ensured Italy won its own World Cup in 1934 and over in France in 1938, the last before WWII. By June 1940 Italy was fighting with Germany, the 1936 axis with Hitler ensured this. Sadly for Italy the psyche of defeat led to defeats in Greece and across Europe – Italians are lovers not fighters as Michael Jackson would so eloquently say in a hit song about his baby being mine, this girl is mine etc. Mussolini ended up hanged by piano wires but no where near the Vatican City – his execution in front of the pontiff would have been far more profound in the Piazza del Santo Pietro.

By the time WWII was over, any party links to fascism would be disbanded and only at the San Remo song contest could you sing about Italians crying, celebrating and then rejoicing that the war was over. Italy felt pain but had prayer, gelato and roasted chestnuts to console themselves with. From the 1950’s Italy has almost annually been gripped by resignation of Prime Ministers and corruption. Communism was the greatest threat to Italy’s loyalty to the papacy; extraordinary lengths were made to stop the spread of communism. Italy decided to hand land over to the US for defence bases. It took until the 1960s for Italy to entangle itself into industrial alliances with the rest of the big European countries even though Italy was still predominantly a rural economic status. The north got filthy rich (and corrupt), whilst in the south the Mafia got rich and no one was corrupt!

Urban terrorism left its mark deeply in the murder of Aldo Moro, Italy’s kidnapped Prime Minister in 1978. Neo-Fascist left a bomb in Bologna in 1980 that killed 84 people. The last 25 years have remained virtually sedentarily in terms of political abuses of power, then again power abuse today is far more subtle and costly to billionaire businessmen-big- wigs of no hair like Silvio Berlusconi. The Mafia is never too far way though, resurrecting conflict in the south with the death of judges and TV hosts – you’d want to kill these TV hosts if you saw Italian TV as well. Corruption has now been replaced by controversy and indifference of the Italian public. History in Italy is like the unclothing of a new mistress until you notice that her armpits are unshaved, but nevertheless one carries on until the next cup of coffee and art gallery visit. Italy even went non-party where Lamberto Dini a technocrat took office – stability was maintained due to Italy’s greatest talent – indifference. Today Italy is always behind UN peacekeeping initiatives, quelling the mafia’s influence by granting them legitimate business and controlling the media into stupidity. Italy as of 2006 has banished military service. Italy is summarised nicely by the brutal killing of a protestor in Genoa 2001 during an anti-globalisation demonstration – this one death is the death that Jorge Luis Borges speaks about in one of his poems. Only one man has died, protesting and complaining about the world.

Speaking of complaints and how corruption has been replaced by controversy, it seems to follow the national team of late. In Korea the controversial Ecuador referee (whose name no one remembers) sent off Totti for faking a dive. At Euro 04 the final ‘fixed’ match between Sweden and Denmark. Italy must arrive at a new beginning of football. More guts than complaints. More fire than fireworks. There’s a pain inside of every Italian soul that believes Italian football is the best, alas there was a time where two types of people existed – Italians and those people who wanted to be Italians – those days are gone. Expect the three draws and another controversial moment or two at this World Cup.

The future? Ok so they have Totti back, Luca Toni the European golden boot winner ready to fire and all the best intentions in the World to win this one. They just have to knock over Ghana at the start. A disastrous start will allow the USA to skittle them and then a final sudden death match against Czech Republic may come too late. The hunger must come before the lions enter the Coliseum.

Bottomless pit ranking? So what does Italy have to fear in the future? Italy’s biggest problem today is racism – pure and simple. Football corruption even without the recent Juventus fiasco continues to plague the administrators of today. Betting rings, organised crime and badly made porn are the hurdles required to jump if Italy wants to remain the most loyal of subjects to sovereign football. Forza Italia is becoming a lesson of the past.

Ivory Coast

Interesting to see how Cote d-Ivoire (pronounced kot divwaR) responds in this their first World Cup. A missed penalty by Wome of Cameroon meant that the West African state would have to get their act together in representing the African confederation well. It’s thought Portuguese ships dropped in back in the 1460s, the major ethnic groups weren’t too keen, although many tribes had migrated to the area and by good fortune the Ivorians didn’t get entrapped with the slave trade. The French wanted trade in the area to launch their investments in the country but not without resentment up to 1917. Coffee, cocoa and palm oil became the main exports that the French took without remorse leaving the country to work for them. The British also weren’t too far away to exploit the country as well. The Guerrilla warfare that was started by the Baoule tribe made sure that by 1944, the Ivory Coast would gain independence. The French had to abolish forced labour, but the Baoule chief Houphouet-Boigny (H-B) got too many francs in his eyes so he exploited his own people. He got all sorts of ministerial honours. It took until 1960 to overthrow the absurdity that the Ivory Coast was under. But the slightly corrupted President changed his ways allowing the Ivory Coast to become on of the biggest providers of coffee and the leaders of cocoa production in 1979. The French were never too far away filling their pockets. The Ivory Coast remained quite reserved when it came to kicking Europeans out of the country quite possibly because we weren’t dealing with petrol-dollars but through agriculture – however, H-B ruled the country with an iron fist, the press were controlled and only one party held sway. H-B transformed his own village into the new capital, in doing so shit loads of money was spent. The new capital Yamoussoukro was the laughing stock of the country. The world recession and a nasty drought screwed the country big time, crime rose crazily, people went on strike, corruption was uncovered, H-B died before he could be hanged. The country couldn’t get organised, dissidents were sent to jail. In a strange twist the new leader Bedie went too nationalistic and wanted ‘Ivority’ residency only to exclude other rivals. Bedie escaped to France.

It’s the year 2000 and reckless elections are underway, the military are intervening and there are violent protests in the capital. The rebels supposably lost control but today the country is still split in two. It’s unknown whether former President Robert Guei was killed, his opponent Alassane Ouattara hid at the French embassy whilst his house burnt down.

The rebels hid in the shanty towns. It was time to bulldoze and burn down homes and attack residents for fun. Ceasefire was countered by French military action, whilst warlords from Liberia and Sierra Leone took advantage of the crisis by taking land. In the last three years not much has changed. National unity was tried by signing a piece of paper, the French troops cleared up the lawlessness, but it was just too far-fetched an idea. Instability continues. You don’t just have 120 people killed at an opposition rally for nothing to think things are going to get better. UN peacekeepers? A bit too late in the end.

But Drogba and his mates will avoid imprisonment if the Coasters come home early because most of them will travel back to a European destination rather than Abidjan. You’re not supposed to know many of the players in the team, but Eboue and Toure have already tasted an ‘unforgettable’ loss in the Champions League final so more pain is to follow. They’ll resist as best as possible but the fear isn’t the same as it is in kot-divwaR.

The future? Let’s hold on a minute here – they lose to Argentina and then to Holland – game over. The two Kone brothers are worth looking out for along with speedy striker Kalou, whose brother missed Dutch selection. Fae and Zokora are the metal in the midfield. A cup debut with a lot of talent that will point the finger at Henri Michel for screwing up in the team selections.

Bottomless pit ranking? Let’s look at the nicer things in Ivory Coast. There are violent attacks on Europeans, yet the countries players trade their skills in France, England and Holland. How can FIFA allow the Ivorians to play in the World Cup when civil war is present in the country? Not only that non-combatant personnel have been imprisoned and child slavery is at its peak. FIFA have no balls.

Iran

Iran – can’t live with them, can’t live without the petroleum. From the earliest of dynasties to Alexander the Great taking control, Persia as it was until 1935 always had someone on their case. It was only until 1502 that Persia re-emerged with the same general boundaries under Ismail Safavi and Shi’ite Islam was declared the state religion. The Safavids ruled for up to 250 years. Interest in the region was growing and not for the beautiful poetry or the theocratic rule but for Persian oil and the great geo-strategic importance of Iran in the Middle East.

In 1907 the British and Russians divided the country up into 3 zones – north and south and a neutral buffer zone in the middle – imagine doing that today? The Iranians then endured political mayhem in WWI with more British, Russian and the obligatory German interference. The Qajar dynasty did their best to combat the main occupants (Russia) until 1926 until Reza Shah Pahlavi was crowned ruler. Pahlavi buddied up to Germany later to modernise the country - even calling Persia ‘Aryan’ or Iran – freaky! By 1941 the Russians and British became ever more suspicious of the affinity of the two countries causing the abdication of the Shah, Pahlavi’s son then took over.

By the late 1950’s the US and the West were closely tied to Iran – I wonder why? The Aryan ideals continued with the ‘White Revolution’ ushering a newer period of land reform and the so-called modernisation. Strangely enough party politics occurred but the Islamic clerical side of power were opposed to the secularisation. Secret police were roving the country for the Shah and with this the Ayatollah Khomeini was exiled. So started the riots, strikes and massive demonstrations that were encountered, martial law did nothing, the Shah fled, Khomeini returned and the US embassy was swamped by students in 1979, hostages were held for over a year. But the US kept the Iranians busy with the Iran-Iraq war. The Iranians lost thousands of men from almost trench like attacks. By 1984 the Persian Gulf was aflame with ‘tanker wars’ where the US became involved to protect shipping which led to the ‘accidental’ shooting down of an Iranian airline in 1988. The US couldn’t help the goodwill offering of selling secret arms to Iran. The negotiations now known as the Iran-Contra affair. Iran pulled the pin and decided peace with Iraq was the better option, besides Iran was out of ammo.

Political control was still with the Islamic radicals. Khomeini died in 1989 and the country mourned and mourned and mourned and bloody mourned! In the early 90’s Iran had no choice but to rebuild and become friends with Saudi Arabia and Britain. Salman Rushdie got a Fatwah against himself for taking the piss out of Islam. The majority of the 1990s was reformists versus conservatives; crude oil sales slumped; trade embargoes followed; assassination attempts and today one wonders if Iran’s current President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is really building nuclear power plants or rabbit hutches. Fingers are crossed that Iran won’t get listed as part of the ‘axis of evil’ and then be pummelled by the USA. Although Iran claims they have been watching the US and all their movements in Iraq for the last 3 years. Iran the true ‘Aryan’s’ just like America – damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Should we talk about the football? They’ll do better than Australia and expect them to earn a lot of respect – one can’t be ‘evil’ all the time. Ali Karami will fire and veteran Ali Daei will break a goalpost whilst falling from the sky after a winning header against Mexico.

The future? They’ll make it. Yes they will. Mexico will mess it up on game one and Iran will play a thriller in the last match against Angola. Expect an exciting tournament from Iran.
Bottomless pit ranking? Is it really that important to the rest of non-Iranian fans? Iran initially struggled to get friendly games organised and there were cries to have Iran kicked out of the World Cup because they are building bombs (Ooh I’m scared). What everyone should realise is that Iran was recently elected vice-chair on the UN disarmament commission. Aaah, the values of propaganda when you need to go to war. Evil? What about everyone else?

- Johnny Nonation

Holland

For some reason the Dutch (or ‘Hollanders’ so as not to offend everyone) have been synonymous with a stupid idea that they created a football canon known as ‘Total Football’ as if a defender had never scored a goal or something before the beautiful Dutch came along – a defender attacks and interchanges with someone else, that is SO revolutionary.
One wishes this country had been swamped by floods over the centuries to avoid the spazziest football fans in the world – but we’ll concede one thing, the Dutch have no idea what to call themselves – the Netherlands, Holland, the Netherland, Nederland and the Nerderlant?

Holland was born from the Roman Empire, the German Franks Christianised the place and then the Vikings fragmented the place by calling everyone van Damme and van Dyke– only two provinces of the twelve are linked to Holland itself today – the Dutch lost Luxembourg and Belgium throughout their history. The Spanish held sway for a long period of time but lost part control in 1609 after the Eighty Years’ War (Northern Provinces in 1609) and fully in 1648 after the Thirty Years’ War thanks to William of Orange. The Dutch Golden Age came in the 17th Century – there was commercial prosperity (Phillips and Heineken), religious tolerance (Spinoza, Erasmus and Right Wing politicians who get assassinated these days) and artistic achievement – Vermeer, van Gogh, Mr Squiggle and Rembrandt spring to mind. The Dutch Empire spread across the world to the Americas, Asia and Africa but unfortunately these occupied lands the people had to work for them. The Dutch blew it with New Amsterdam (New York) as the British won a naval battle. It was only when William of Orange became Protestant King of England did Anglo-Dutch relations improve. The 18th century saw more war with Spain; there were European struggles; a renewed French threat which incorporated the Dutch lower regions into the Napoleonic empire, which sent William III packing back to England yet the Kingdom of the Netherlands was formed in 1813 on the death throes of the Napoleon era.

The Dutch weren’t stupid during the two major wars where they developed a policy of neutrality, holding two international peace conventions to show they were not a warring nation. Fascist movements and communism were stamped out swiftly, but the Dutch didn’t get off too lightly during WWII in the ‘winter of starvation’ of 1944-45 where they ate wood, dogs and dirt. The Dutch finally lost Western New Guinea (to Indonesia) in 1963, Surinam in 1975 and Aruba in 1996. The Netherlands today are seen as politically stable due to the crack cafes and red light districts. A parliamentary democracy keeps everyone happy enough and the monarchy is mainly a token one these days only seen at ceremonies, on reality TV programs and are still able to get free tickets to the World Cup finals.

If you have a Dutch passport you’re supposed to be treated more nicely than other people due to the Dutch having a reputation of being friendly people – god I hate that stereotyping! The Dutch aren’t too religious these days. Policies exist in regards to the easy use of recreational drug taking, prostitution is well legalised, same sex-marriage is all the go and euthanasia is all the rage instead of suicide – but are all these things that important? Consider the potential for flooding in the country and over the centuries and you’ll see a nation that has held its collective breath when it comes to the power of the sea or will global warming get them one day? However the Dutch appear to have it all under control with revolutionary management of the waterways and giant barriers to keep the water out if need be and they once moved shit loads of dirt to make the largest man-made island (Flevoland) in the world – they say that “God created the world, but the Dutch created the Netherlands”.

The future? Marco van Basten seems to think the squad he has picked will do the job – they have got no chance and they will not get out of Group C. Top goal scorer in the Euradivise Klaas Jan Huntelaar was left out of the team and Ruud van Nistelrooy just wants to join a new club anyway. Robben can’t run anymore, whilst van Bommel will still be wearing his Champions League medal in the shower. Van der Saar is just too slow in goal. The Dutch media have an important part to play with the football team but Dick Advocaat isn’t their coach this time round and thank goodness for that.

Bottomless pit ranking? What can you say - the Dutch are really nice people and friendly like the skinheads who support Feyenoord. They had their moment in the sun for World domination, they had a huge chance to net Australia but the climate just about killed them.

To die in the rain

I’m always against Arsenal, but I’m not often for Barça. Thus, finding a deep vein of emotion for the Champion’s League final was difficult, that is without resorting to riding out to celebrate for a downfall instead of a victory. Sometimes you have to watch from the rear of the room. That said, I felt a numb gladness watching Arsene Wenger with his head down in the rain as the time dripped away after the azulgranas second goal.

But you have to have a moment to reflect on Arsenal with pity. The sending off of Lehman after 20 minutes drew blood with a blade tainted with slow poison. It was like the climax of Hamlet. You knew what would happen even as the words kept tumbling from Arsenal’s barrel.

I was glad they went a goal up. I was in a bar in Barcelona wanting to watch the home side sweat a little if only to bring out their best attacking powers. My companions were my Portuguese girlfriend, for Barça, and David, a Catalan who is for Español and therefore Arsenal. He is one of the only ones. He was happy, but he knew all the time it would be impossible.

Surprising it went so long then, when it seemed to die so quickly in the end. Two goals like two spasms of the heart. The blood went from the eyes of all but Thierry Henry. He was looking at all things at once: what was, what could have been, and what was possible. To die in the rain, as Ernest Hemingway never said.

Barça made it easy for them, playing so cuddly. Compare their lack of cold decisiveness against Ashley Cole when he pushed Giuly (or was it van Bommel?) away after bringing him down. Worse was the sense of repetition, that Liverpool’s English ghost would haunt Europe another year. Wenger, played the youth card, the trump of hope. Barça played with everything to lose, just like Chelsea had the year before, and lost.

The mood in the bar before Barça’s first goal was tense and was getting pessimistic. The room was full of self-disbelief. Nobody sung or shouted. I hoped this wasn’t going to be Liverpool again.

But then the scores were level, the trophy was secure it seemed and the noise began. Then it was all over quickly, with 15 minutes to go. Arsenal arrived early for eternity. That was that. There was a sense of justice, a sense of relief and exhalation. There was people on the bars, in the streets, almost all in shirts or with flags and paint. Every moto sounded a horn and people danced. Groups of girls sung the team song arm in arm. I saw an Indian let off fire works and stamp his feet for rain. There was no rest for two days. Crowds of people under the gathering clouds in Las Ramblas at Las Canaletas being followed by helicopters. A painted car, cardboard cut out trophies and freshly minted victory T-shirts and magazines. There was no reason to be unhappy with the chapter. I didn’t feel it though. I was watching from the back of the room. I watched at everything smiling. Everything except perhaps the slight frown of worry and frustration creeping onto Messi’s face.


- Ramon