And with time permitting, the World Cup

Angola.

The team with the most players who don’t have clubs wont last long and it might be awhile before they’re back again. Their first game will be a symbolic affair against their old colonial masters, Portugal, and will be the peak of the neutral’s support as well as the first game to have a red card. Adios.

Argentina.

The second consecutive finals in a group of death for the South Americans will be a torrid affair. Nerves and tension against largely unknown and dogged teams will take its toll. Thank God they have enough hair to pull out. Plenty of goals and pressure, but no wins, only gritty draws and impossibilities, will see a sad group phase exit and the creation of a deep vein of philosophical searching. Most sorely missed team again.

Australia.

The other group of death with a great mix of confederations and powerful confusions. Courage more than style will lead Australia to the unexpected position of first in the group after low scoring and punishing games. Japan will be eventually broken down and the final against Croatia will be another pub-brawl with at least one red card. The big surprise will be the lucky win over Brazil, who will struggle to be beautiful in the face of Aussie ugliness. One lucky player will be the first ever Australian to score in a finals and Viduka will be drunk for every match, like all the supporters who will instantly garner a reputation worse than England.

Brazil.

A great team waning and they will not win the World Cup this time. Exhaustion, slow preparations and a tough group will wear the champions out. First bruised by Croatia and then Australia they will limp out of the group struggling against an imperialistic Japan. Ronaldo to start on the pitch and finish the tournament and his international career on the bench. The real question will be, how will he do his hair? Their fans will be more beautiful than the game.

Costa Rica.

Everyone was hoping for a symbolic re-creation of the start of WWII with Poland and Germany in the opening gambit of the tournament. However, the Ticos will, like Angola, peak their popularity early as everyone rallies against Germany for 90 minutes. It might all seem to no avail, until a lucky third match win against the disorganised Poles will see them through in second place unless Ecuador, potentially a better side, can hold their own.

Croatia.

Struggled against a (perpetually) under performing Spanish side in the ultimate warm-up friendly and a little put-off by the concentration required over the duration of the finals. Physically dangerous, but Dado Prso is not enough on his own to bring much fame or glory for the team. A beautiful, angry people, but bottom of a difficult group with more questions than answers.

Czech Republic.

The team everyone wanted to play against the hosts in the Euro 2004 final, but now waning in power as well as they age. Nedved will sing his first and last on the biggest stage with many lighters waving in the air. Experience and steely central European passion will be enough for second place in the group, but the ‘bouncebackability’ of the 2004 tournament won’t be present, especially when facing Australia or Brazil.

Ecuador.

Will be unlucky against Poland in their opener and battle with great maturity and intelligence against Costa Rica and ultimately Germany in the last game. They will certainly make Klinsmann sweat a lot before their ultimate early flight home after the group phase. However, they will benefit the most of the weaker teams by attracting attention to many of their key players who are still based at home.

England.

Nobody wants to see Peter Crouch doing his robot dance, so we are all praying for Rooney and Owen to be fit, which looks somewhat likely. England will start slowly and struggle in the group, first against the pace and desire of Paraguay and lastly against the stubborn Swedes, against whom the English cant seem to win. They will romp home against Trinidad, of course, where Crouch will do his dance, but they will finish second in the group.

France.

Like the Czechs, a team of aging stars and soft core attitude. Somehow they will win the group, mostly through Henry and the weak link of Togo who will be thrashed. South Korea will be like vengeful dogs at the heals of Zidane and Viera in the second game while the first against Switzerland will be a goalless bore-draw. The end of their generation, and not before time. Cisse has unfortuantely broken his leg again and will miss the tournament, but this, overall, is positive for international football as it opens up all sorts of possibilities for worsrt hair of the tournament.

Germany.

Things aren’t looking good for the hosts. Media tension is mounting and performances miserable. The home crowd will at first lift and then condemn the hapless team. Klinsmann’s preparations will leak too many goals that the forwards wont be able to make up for. The mid-field will spend most of the time blaming everyone else and ultimately Ballack for defecting to Chelski and for being unfit. Their group is a gift that will ultimately work against them by failing to steel them against better opposition and the inevitable trap-door exit. Too much room for error here. Adios.

Ghana.

Potentially one of the better African teams, they will be one of the few to celebrate the injustice of a group phase exit on goal difference. A win (against USA), a draw and a loss against Italy will seem fair to the Ghanan’s who will impress many and be forgotten just as easily. Essien desperately needs to perform to refind some confidence.

Holland.

One of the better teams on paper, but as always a little wild and just as likely to underachieve. They are youthful and passionate, but a little undisciplined. They start too fast and finish slow. They are as rigidly organised as a German team and will be wanting to avenge the loss of 1974 when Total Football looked good, but only came second. Lots of players appear injury prone and the physicality of the tournament will be a torpor for the luckless van Basten’s preparations. He will smile only once during the tournament when it begins to rain.

Iran.

A goalless tournament for the underachieving Iranian’s. Speed, discipline and organisation failing to make up for the class and drive of Portugal and Mexico. The last game against Angola will be a frustrating affair, with a missed penalty and shots off the woodwork. They will wonder how it all happened and be too worried about what sanctions will be imposed on their country to care about failing again.

Italy.

The Azzurri, the team that trails clichés like cans tied to a newlyweds car. Once again, the best looking team; once again a strong performance in all games; once again an unlucky exit… But the group stage is all theirs. A cat walk past the USA and a late show of flair will crush Ghana and flatter Lippi’s men, with only the Czech to cause serious tactical problems. All their goals to come in the second half.

Ivory Coast.

One of the other shining African teams with an impossible task. Drogba and Toure will anchor the team at either end of the pitch, but the wobbles and relative inexperience in the middle show a lot of potential to mature and fight. Bottom of the group of death means nothing (ask, um, Nigeria), but this team will entertain and frustrate the neutrals until the end.

Japan.

A real footballing force will be furious to leave after three games. They will emerge from the tournament as an international power and having gained the most. No more of the World Cup being about ‘Europe plus Brazil and Argentina’. Japan deserve respect and will be unlucky not to cause more damage and only claiming the scalp of Croatia. Their wordless style will make its mark. Prepare to take a bow.

Mexico.

With only Portugal to worry about in the group phase, Mexico will romp into second place and enjoy an attacking game against their nearest opponents. Their only worries are their penchance for self-destruction, doping, violence and their perennially bad kits (France ’98 in particular). The curse of Montezuma, not quite, but a blistering team with great depth of skill waiting to implode with fireworks and take anyone or anything with them. Always worth watching and hoping for. Futboles perros.

Paraguay.

The ladies favourite team for that cute accent, sweet brown eyes, exotic style and the devilishly handsome Roque Santa Cruz, who is thankfully, almost, back in fitness and out in the middle. Paraguay will be revving to go at England with pace and swift passing, but will need a bit more than a pitch full of panties to make the next round.

Poland.

The great Polish red eagle flies again and will want to improve on the disappointment of Japan-Korea and the missing years before this. Unfortunately, recent form doesn’t suggest a great fighting force and the potential for a lot of self-blame, loss of self confidence and whingeing. Ecuador and Costa Roca will prove an equal and more vivid competition, but expect a brutal fight with the hosts that will be definitely worth the entry money.

Portugal.

A team at their peak like Portugal will be hard to check. Their creative movement and wind-swept runs will take them far, especially with the spur of recent memory gained from their near-triumph in Lisbon at the final of the European championships. Weak links could be Cristiano Ronaldo, who will need to look up from his navel, and Scolari, who will be busy signing autographs of uninformed English fans as well as looking for a new job. Figo will bow out to luke warm applause; as in the European championships, he is good for one memorable moment.

Saudi Arabia.

The second of two potential terrorist nations after Iran to be in the finals. Always a strong contender for worst kit and worst performance, despite a strong presence in the Asian qualifiers. Don’t expect much and don’t expect many fans to be allowed into the country.

Serbia and Montenegro.

Their first and last World Cup after the recent referendum to separate the two countries. Will factions split the team who performed well enough to top their qualifying group and earn a special draw and a place in the group of death? Kezman, the greatest living player, could be in contention for the golden boot, but it will be tough work for Serbia and Montenegro as they limp from the group in second place. This group will also feature Kezman against many of his old Chelsea team mates: Robben in the Dutch squad and Drogba in the Ivory Coach. Will there be love lost?

South Korea.

International football is a dog-eat-dog world of consistency and determination that suits the Korean attitude and diet. Pace and skill may be on hand-a-plenty to stretch even the best teams, but this time, the referees wont come so cheap. They will make the aging French side work to the core and the last match against consistent Switzerland will be a great test of contrasting styles. But don’t expect the semi-finals this time.

Spain.

What’s the problem with Spain? Potentially great players, great passion, great drive and a great league, but one of the most poor international standings after England. Why? Blame Liverpool, blame Saki at the European finals or even the sweaty underarms of Comacho before that, but what the hell is going on? Their best player is their goalkeeper, Casillas, for God’s sake. The team cant seem to play together, to have mental drive, to be cold killers of opposition. Watch them go far without seeming to deserve to and then fail to find anything resembling the threshold of immortality. They are scared of Ukraine, and Tunisia will be tough for them.

Sweden.

A team who could be ruthless or a team who could fall apart on the first corner. Sweden are top heavy with a ruthless attacking potential, but a potential to lack the nuts and bolts where distribution and stability are concerned. Nevertheless, they will be one of the most relaxed teams in the tournament and could beat the Argentinians to the most/best/worst hair stakes, if only for their high beard quotient. At least Larsson learned from the past…

Switzerland.

Boring country and boring style. Not much to stay except stifle everything with claustrophobic order. Their play-off qualifier against Turkey, however, may have taught them a bit of street fighting nous. Sepp Blatter wont be able to prevent a group phase exit at the expense of South Korea. Nothing to talk about here.

Togo.

Well, most of the team may not be from Togo, they have a new coach, a petulant striker in Adebayor and the high unlikelihood of getting a goal or back into the tournament for some time. Not even really one for the neutrals, maybe, but with no chance, its hard to do anything but dig a grave.

Trinidad and Tobago.

Dwight Yorke may relish the chance of playing against some of his ex-team mates in the England match, but the Sydney FC hero will not have much chance of more than three games and a chance to write a few post cards home. Mentally prepared, maybe, but Trinidad and Tobago should also be prepared to think about letting a lot of goals in.

Tunisia.

A good team with a lot of soul, but they will be pitted against better funded opponents who will probably strike it lucky. Tunisia is well and truly capable of surprises and will test all their opponents to the limit and they fear nobody. The underdogs of choice, surely, and a great spark of unpredictability in their group. Worth watching and potentially a great hope for African football.

Ukraine.

Schevchenko will, like the Czech Republic’s Nedved and Serbia and Montenegro in its entirety, will play in his first and last final before the move to Chelsea. They topped their qualifying group, maybe without a beautiful perfection, but will lumber forward with the slow relentlessness of a Soviet tank. A country waiting to be recognised, expect great things, but not all things at once. A moderately tough group phase will favour a hard fought progression to the next round.

United States.

The last alphabetically and the last sympathically. The USA fancy themselves in true style, particularly after their unpredicted romp in Korea-Japan 2002. This time, coach Bruce Arena will have to settle for less. A lot less. His opponents will not succumb to defeat at the hands of a ‘soccer’ nation. The stars McBride and Donovan are in the realms of no-return and will relish their swansong, but almost goalless, the USA will limp home to the MLS and turn on the baseball. Nobodies favourite.

First knock-out phase.

Games to watch will be Spain avenging themselves against South Korea and some brutal pace in Holland versus Mexico. Australia could triumph against the Czech’s if they win their group and shock everyone by making it to the quarter finals. If they come second in the group they will go out to Italy. Game of the round will be England versus Germany, the former winning against an incomplete side that wont handle the pressure. This will be a media storm. The other cracker will be the brutal extra time victory of Italy against Brazil. Sadly, no African nations will make it out of the groups, with Ghana perhaps offering the best hope.

Quarter finals.

A calmer, fitter (better looking) Italian squad will make up for the last gasp loss to France in the final of Euro 2000. Zidane will bid adieu and Henry will go back to Wenger thinking of Barcelona. England will finally see the full force return of Rooney to see off a bewildered but racey Dutch side. Portugal’s consistency will be too much for the Swedes and Spain will dominate Australia, or perhaps Brazil. Definitely no further than here for the current champions.

Semi-finals.

Poor luck for Italy against England as the referee fails to notice John Terry interfering with the keeper, allowing Gerrard to slot home late in the game. A more mental than smooth semi-final, but a breathless one at that. Sven Goran Erikksons role in the side will already be over as the team form their own purpose, allowing the team to play as themselves and on their nerves instead of in the champagne ice bucket. In a re-hash of the group phase in Euro 2004, Portugal clash with rivals Spain, defeating the latter in a brilliant match, one of the best of the tournament.

Third place.

Italy versus Spain will see the Azzurri dominate. Raul bids farewell, coming on only as a substitute. The group bow at the end of the match will patronise many people.

The Final.

One of the classics. England against Portugal with fond memories again of the last European championships. A string of goals, backwards and forwards, and a hurricane pace will exhaust players. Watch Gerrard’s face as he strains as if he hasn’t been to the toilet for days. Cristiano Ronaldo crying when the Geezers eventually succumb to a Peter Crouch penalty and robot dance will be the highlight of the tournament.