Holland

For some reason the Dutch (or ‘Hollanders’ so as not to offend everyone) have been synonymous with a stupid idea that they created a football canon known as ‘Total Football’ as if a defender had never scored a goal or something before the beautiful Dutch came along – a defender attacks and interchanges with someone else, that is SO revolutionary.
One wishes this country had been swamped by floods over the centuries to avoid the spazziest football fans in the world – but we’ll concede one thing, the Dutch have no idea what to call themselves – the Netherlands, Holland, the Netherland, Nederland and the Nerderlant?

Holland was born from the Roman Empire, the German Franks Christianised the place and then the Vikings fragmented the place by calling everyone van Damme and van Dyke– only two provinces of the twelve are linked to Holland itself today – the Dutch lost Luxembourg and Belgium throughout their history. The Spanish held sway for a long period of time but lost part control in 1609 after the Eighty Years’ War (Northern Provinces in 1609) and fully in 1648 after the Thirty Years’ War thanks to William of Orange. The Dutch Golden Age came in the 17th Century – there was commercial prosperity (Phillips and Heineken), religious tolerance (Spinoza, Erasmus and Right Wing politicians who get assassinated these days) and artistic achievement – Vermeer, van Gogh, Mr Squiggle and Rembrandt spring to mind. The Dutch Empire spread across the world to the Americas, Asia and Africa but unfortunately these occupied lands the people had to work for them. The Dutch blew it with New Amsterdam (New York) as the British won a naval battle. It was only when William of Orange became Protestant King of England did Anglo-Dutch relations improve. The 18th century saw more war with Spain; there were European struggles; a renewed French threat which incorporated the Dutch lower regions into the Napoleonic empire, which sent William III packing back to England yet the Kingdom of the Netherlands was formed in 1813 on the death throes of the Napoleon era.

The Dutch weren’t stupid during the two major wars where they developed a policy of neutrality, holding two international peace conventions to show they were not a warring nation. Fascist movements and communism were stamped out swiftly, but the Dutch didn’t get off too lightly during WWII in the ‘winter of starvation’ of 1944-45 where they ate wood, dogs and dirt. The Dutch finally lost Western New Guinea (to Indonesia) in 1963, Surinam in 1975 and Aruba in 1996. The Netherlands today are seen as politically stable due to the crack cafes and red light districts. A parliamentary democracy keeps everyone happy enough and the monarchy is mainly a token one these days only seen at ceremonies, on reality TV programs and are still able to get free tickets to the World Cup finals.

If you have a Dutch passport you’re supposed to be treated more nicely than other people due to the Dutch having a reputation of being friendly people – god I hate that stereotyping! The Dutch aren’t too religious these days. Policies exist in regards to the easy use of recreational drug taking, prostitution is well legalised, same sex-marriage is all the go and euthanasia is all the rage instead of suicide – but are all these things that important? Consider the potential for flooding in the country and over the centuries and you’ll see a nation that has held its collective breath when it comes to the power of the sea or will global warming get them one day? However the Dutch appear to have it all under control with revolutionary management of the waterways and giant barriers to keep the water out if need be and they once moved shit loads of dirt to make the largest man-made island (Flevoland) in the world – they say that “God created the world, but the Dutch created the Netherlands”.

The future? Marco van Basten seems to think the squad he has picked will do the job – they have got no chance and they will not get out of Group C. Top goal scorer in the Euradivise Klaas Jan Huntelaar was left out of the team and Ruud van Nistelrooy just wants to join a new club anyway. Robben can’t run anymore, whilst van Bommel will still be wearing his Champions League medal in the shower. Van der Saar is just too slow in goal. The Dutch media have an important part to play with the football team but Dick Advocaat isn’t their coach this time round and thank goodness for that.

Bottomless pit ranking? What can you say - the Dutch are really nice people and friendly like the skinheads who support Feyenoord. They had their moment in the sun for World domination, they had a huge chance to net Australia but the climate just about killed them.