Ghana

FIFA youth tournaments – yes! Ghana making a World Cup? Don’t be ridiculous - but they have finally made it to the big time but only after coming through a qualifying group where Sth Africa were useless and DR Congo stupidly made mistakes. Something tells me Ghana won’t be ready for this one. They played poorly at the recent African Nations Cup in Egypt so match ups with Italy, the United States and Czech Republic might be asking too much.

Here’s another African nation where from their early history they were made up of tribal settlers whilst merchants and traders muscled in and prospered but god only knows why on kola nuts. There was the obligatory slave trade that the British tried to abolish in 1824 but the Ashanti people held off the British influence yet the British persisted by absorbing the Ashanti empire into its own colonial control. Plenty of political radicals came and went culminating in whatever party aimed to take control and so it happened in 1957 where Ghana was founded by merging it with British Togoland and with the Gold Coast crown colony. Ghana was the first African nation to obtain independence from Britain.

Dr Kwame Nkrumah led Ghana’s independence but even he couldn’t solve the economic problems of the country. Discontent as usual where Ghana went Republic in 1960 and then totally flipped back to Socialism in 1964. Nkrumah visited China – and sure enough he was overthrown just like that. No surprises that it was the military under General Joseph Ankrah who hilariously named his ruling party The National Liberation Council. The consensus was that the people would aim to control the country and this helped increase the number of political parties – but no party could control inflation and the ongoing corruption. In 1972 another military coup occurred this time under the National Redemption Council. This government was unpopular as food prices went ballistic and the black markets took their opportunities. Military leader after military leader stepped in. They even dragged back former leaders into the circus of musical chairs. None of this helped the people.

In the early 80’s someone mentioned the word ‘democracy’ and with that Ghanaians already in exile returned by trying to wrestle back control of the country from the military pigs. Some of the exiles had almost planned an attack by using American mercenaries such as George Clooney, Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal. In 1992 after so many coups, an 11 year ban on political parties was lifted – oh hooray! But what had been at stake in Ghana all this time? They had oil but they have always been terribly slow in organising its export value. They have diamonds as well, so generally there has been wealth to exploit and that means plenty of potential for conflict. Togo who are at the World Cup themselves had ethnic clashes with Ghana between 1994 and early 1995. The clashes screwed up the health system in Ghana and strangely enough cholera and meningitis broke out killing more people than any of the border skirmishes.

The late 90’s saw Presidents sworn in. Elections were tried again but the public outcry was always about everything being overpriced and that there was excessive force used by the police to control the people. There was the usual quota of corruption due to the unstable political systems but at least sometimes the right people were arrested and jailed for it. Ghana’s economic management was basically a big joke. Vaccination programs were assisted by the Japanese. Currently around 120 000 orphans exist because of AIDS. With so much trouble brewing you wonder how clans and tribes would remain undemanding.

But the politicians went on reshuffling themselves along with a new scandal every week. Someone even had time to lose $45 000 in a suitcase that was being used to pay bonuses to the Ghanaian Football team during the 2002 World Cup campaign or did they just run off with the cash to Bermuda? The country went into night curfews as rival tribesmen clashed. The World Bank seems to dictate the country’s economy – a perilous state of being. In 2002 came the disturbing beheading of the King of the Dagomba people - the largest ethnic group of the region. The Abudu tribe did the chopping as they want the throne of power. Nice work if you can get it.

So what has come to the ‘rescue’ to make Ghana’s governments all warm-and-fuzzy-inside? Basking in the prosperity of the boom in world cocoa prices, that’s what! The Black Stars have it all to do to emulate past glories of the youth teams (which by the way have now been tainted with the knowledge that they played with over aged players at these tournaments!). Coach Ratomir Dujkovic will work on his Serbian resolve and chain-smoking and will pin his hopes on Italian based duo Samuel Kuffour and Sulley Muntari. Stephen Appiah is important to the team and devilish-thug-footballer Michael Essien can’t score to save himself so Matthew Amoah comes into the picture as a critical play maker. Ghana just like the Kola nuts should be an easy enough team to crack.

The future? Can Ghana represent Africa well in this group? It seems 270 minutes of football will see them let goals in. At least they can play any aged player at this tournament.
Bottomless pit ranking? It’s hard to say. There is every indication that foreign investors will break more and more into the political systems and have many of the tribes paid off and exploited. The World Bank is always ready to bankrupt the country and conflicts are always just around the corner in a sort of ‘stable’ level but one hope’s not at a genocidal level between rival tribes.

F.A.U.K. part 2

The indecision makers

Let’s forget the team selection for a moment. Sven Goran Erikkson is still in the job for the World Cup and the question is why.

The sexual scandal may have passed with a fierce scolding, but how did the News of the World’s fake-Sheik scam only manage to get Sven a detention after school? Most other associations would have said goodbye to their national selector more assertively, especially in the pre-existing context. Or would they? You can’t forget Spain manager Luis Aragones and his racist remarks about Thierry Henry that went largely unpunished and, indeed, opened the journalistic door for opportunistic anti-racism snatch-and-grab runs against Spain, but no real anti-rascist assault. Then there is Italy's Marco Lippi who has refused to step down and resisted the push three weeks before the start of the World Cup because of his alleged alegation in match fixing. One can only manage a complicated legal network that paralyses decisiveness at the national level. Or perhaps its purely financial, though clubs seem able to be able to pay the price for dismissing managers, sometimes at an alarming rate. Why cant the national association? Even if ONLY for pride or honour?

A culture of protecting the national manager is not without saying. But what is more the point is the excuses, the fumbling and the nervousness that pervades the FAs final decisions and presence. First there was the protracted selection process fed by media pressure and rumours. What really happened to Scolari? The BBC website even had a Scolari time-line up before the confusion broke; someone was having a joke by making bad mistakes. The FA also sustained an ambiguous position with regard to a national or international candidate, as if to experiment with public opinion in the media. A fair ‘democratic’ process, maybe, or maybe not, for an ‘electorate’ that is largely spoken to, rather than for. But where is the determination and the vision? What is it that the FA CLAIMS as its own? What promises do they keep for the worthiest of hungry men? What are they saying about their own passions?

Steve McClaren was the best English choice for successor, but the worst for the FA. They chose McClaren not promising the best, but promising they wouldn’t rock the boat before the tournament. But why then, promote the second in charge just before the competition, but to only hand over the job after? Why when he already knows the team, his staff (barring a few changes) and the organisation? Surely his change wouldn’t rock the boat too much and could instil an edge of concentration in the players? It seems that the FA were only promising they wouldn’t rock themselves.

But what have they really created? You can imagine Sven will be there, passive and waiting, sweating a little more than usual as he watches the last minutes of his greatest epoch pass away. McClaren will be sitting beside him, rubbing his hands mentally, practising in his mind the ways and solutions HE WILL employ. Will it really be like this? Less romantic I imagine. Is the end really as important to Sven as the beginning is for McClaren? McClaren’s hands are blood-free, or is that bloodless? As for Sven, he is already well remembered.

It seems that McClaren is to Erikkson what Pope Benedict XVI is to Pope John Paul II: fodder for forgetting. You can carry on the same policies in the next man and justify them in the same process, but gradually weaken them with a little age and reality. Then the change will come and the new order begikn. Yo destroy the cult of individuality is to destroy the angel or the devil. Choose your man, I mean. There are many covenants from which to pray for the chalice.

McClaren’s nearest competitor was Allardyce, who probably didn’t win because of McClaren’s existing connections. Their Premiership records are nearly equal, both with 190 games in charge and both with 64 wins. The difference is that McClaren has lost 9 more than Allardyce, but taken ‘Borough to two finals, one victorious. McClaren’s fame has thus briefly and fortuitously eclipsed Allardyce’s, more by the drunken swagger of Middlesborough into the UEFA Cup Final than the recent League Cup win. Neither of their teams is popular either, which is also an advantage to annonymity.

Charlton’s ex-manager, Alan Curbishley seemed to struggle in the media storm, by symbolically or nervously leaving Charlton at a critical juncture in history of Premiership power struggles. His patient, wilful and above all humane success in sustaining Charlton sadly lacks a little potency when compared to Allardyce or McClaren. As solo manager (since 1995), he managed 266 Premiership games with only 85 wins, 72 draws and 109 losses. You have to wish McClaren well though. You have to hope he fights for more than he was bought for.

England

What do you say about a country that wanted to rule the World? In football terms they’d love to rule the World Cup as well, but at Euro 2004 the fans wanted to lynch the referee who toppled them out, but the fans never send death threats to their own players for screwing up do they? David Beckham always says they are the best fans in the World, but he’s forgotten 1998 already. There’s something odd about England these days – a territory so blindingly blind, they still seem to think other nations have a Monarchy system and that Diego Maradona cheated. Spain are always criticised for under-achieving at World Cups but one other EUROPEAN team stands head and shoulders above them and that’s England – failure to qualify for USA 1994 is testament to that. At least Spain played in that one.

And so England returns ‘home’ to mainland Europe as the ‘Angles’ tribe who were originally from Germany had settled on the island over the 5th-6th centuries. Don’t forget the French also headed on up to England and they were oddly enough called the ‘Britons’. They were there before the Germanic tribes arrived. The Britons had hit it out with the Romans but the Roman invasion didn’t last long as they had too many concerns elsewhere so they opted out of control of the island – the Angles, Saxons and Jutes were the main invaders in the end. When did 'England become England' is the question? Shakespeare never asked this. But before Shakespeare completed his pile of dung writing so eloquently put by French Philosopher Voltaire there were battles to be fought (Hastings for example that started off the lifestyle of war) and with that the Norman Conquest was sorted out by William the Conqueror, so with that he decided to tax the Brits. A little bit of murder and battles went on for greater control of the land but more invasions were needed in the name of God and that well known Crusader Richard the Lionheart went on the rampage in the Holy land. The moors at the time thought the raiding parties were damn dirty swine. The Magna Carta talked about liberty and justice - fat chance of that as civil war continued throughout the 13th century. The Scots were losing control in the north where William ‘Mel Gibson’ Wallace was brutally executed but Robert Bruce secured Scottish independence in 1314 – after another battle of course.

The constitutional development of the monarchy took major steps in England but Edward II was murdered and his son took over. The Black Death plummeted England’s population by about 50%. England went to war against France during the Hundred Years War and England got all the wool sales after that. Richard II got garrotted probably – he had too many riches the miser. The houses of Lancaster were at each others throats – it was Henry IV and V versus Richard II and Edward IV, but Henry V achieved fame in France at Agincourt. Some boy princes were murdered in a tower so Richard III held sway until the Tudors defeated him. The Tudors took England from medieval to modern times and the English language became the national tongue or they’d have your tongue cut out if you didn’t speak it.

Henry VII was on the throne and he was a difficult chappie and his son Henry XIII lopped off a wife’s head or two. He turned the religious scope on its head refusing the Pope’s authority about marriage by dumping his first wife (hey, he married 6 times to become a Royal celebrity). Mary became queen, and wanted to go all Catholic again - she burned Protestants in the process. Elizabeth imprisoned her and had her executed. Spain was embroiled in the Religious Wars where the Spanish Armada was sunk and through luck more than effort Britain survived further invasion – it was so freaky.

Guy Fawkes an English catholic wanted to blow up Parliament House but he was caught and what do you know? He was executed. Charles the 1st screwed up as he had his head cut off and Oliver Cromwell like Dick Dastardly smashed the Irish and went unhindered until Charles II restored the monarchy. His brother James II wanted a return to Catholicism but this was thwarted by a Dutchman who wore Orange. This meant that Catholics were told to sod off from the throne – so much for equal opportunity. The failure to invade Europe meant England’s unification in 1707 with the rest of the island through force was important as the north lost their parliament to London. The George’s came along – brewing more conflict, more wars and greater political control but George III lost the America for good in 1776.

At the start of the 19th century the United Kingdom was born. During this epoch the French Revolution was festering away and Europe went to war – Trafalgar and Waterloo were seized by England. Trees were chopped down for the Industrial Revolution, the Brits got rich under child slavery and through longer working days. Slums were born and people just got poor – a lot like Margaret Thatcher’s reign later on. Queen Victoria held power for an almighty long time so no wonder imperialism was the rage. With this came more war – the Boer war, the Boxer Rebellion in China, the Brit-Pop battle between Oasis and Blur and the debate on the line up for Live Aid. Women’s Right’s finally got off the ground through the Suffragists which ended with a page 3 spread of Samantha Fox in The Sun newspaper.

Britain went to war in Europe again, thanks to invading German forces in Belgium. British casualties at Flanders, Somme and Ypres meant the Aussies and Kiwis could fight at Gallipoli and therefore be slaughtered. The Brits won but casualties were around 750 000 lives. Hardship came to Britain after WWI and things started getting out of control in the Middle East and India. England gave up its colonial extravagance by allowing independence to Australia, Canada, Sth Africa and New Zealand. In the early 1930s the British started spending money on armaments as Germany and to a lesser extent Italian fascism was gaining momentum. Prime Minister Chamberlain didn’t see it coming whilst signing some documents with Adolf Hitler in 1938. He eventually resigned, Churchill and Dad’s Army took over – WWII wasn’t a computer game. In the following 6 years bombs and troop deaths were exchanged between warring parties. Thanks to the USA on D-day and a massive bombing exercise in Dresden, Britain saved the World from German humour and lakeside nudity. Churchill took the plaudits and Hogan’s Heroes was made. Britain became a major player for the UN super-club in 1946. Former colonies were emptied of British rule but not before an Anglo-French attack at the Suez Canal occurred. Britain tried to regain control of the water passage but they backed off under US pressure. The 1960s saw scandals, economic and industrial crises and difficulties in immigration control. President de Gaulle kept vetoing Britain’s application to the EEC because the Beatles were number 1 all over the World.

In the late 60s Northern Ireland was in trouble – the IRA attacked London to scare them off. Not even the decimal conversion helped with the rapid unemployment and rising inflation throughout the country. Strikes and power struggles were the order of the day until the Baroness herself Margaret Thatcher walked on in. The Unions were crushed, privatisation seemed the right thing to do, taxes were slashed but inflation went mad along with unemployment – a woman’s touch indeed. Youths rioted and racial unrest was making the news but this was all covered up by victory in the Falklands. Coal mines shutdown so some men did The Full Monty. Thatcher went chummy with Ronald Reagan and the mad idea of Star Wars was stupidly researched. Thatcher eventually called it quits and England celebrated through acid music and new drugs. Thatcher missed another chance of war in the 1st Gulf conflict in early 1991. Lady Di split from Charles – she ran off with an Egyptian sales manager. Mad cow disease was as worrying as the ongoing Paparazzi invasions who know nothing about human rights unless you’re Jordan with big knockers. Someone even managed to kill some Chinese illegal immigrants who were entering the country in the back of a truck, and this wasn’t an episode of The Bill.

So where is modern day Britain today? The name England is derived from the Welsh name Lloegr which translates as the ‘lost lands’ and they may just go missing at this World Cup. But a last 16 game against the great enemy Germany (their ancestors from centuries ago), is possibly on the cards. A Swede is in control who is a total football nerd – Sven Goran Eriksson who is counting on tall timber Crouch, injured Owen, foot hammered Rooney and some 17 year old kid whose part of a paedophile ring will help resolve their attack. But if Gerrard, Joe Cole, Trevor Brooking’s commentating, Lampard and Bling Beckham do the business then England are a great chance of meeting Argentina for third place! Let’s just hope no referees get death threats from English fans this time. England (or Britain) the 'great' leaders of football yearn to win the big one, the Rugby World Cup in 2003 is not enough.

The future? England are in a group where Sweden and Paraguay always get out of their group, so one of them may not make it, in fact what if two of them miss out? Unlikely but Trinidad and Tobago will play their best game against England and Leo Bennhaker hates missing out as well. It’s a dangerous trip for the Brits; their defensive powers will just get them over the line.

Bottomless pit ranking? What can you say about England? Well the drinking holes are open longer than ever before. Kids have mobile phones to film attacks on strangers, there are heaps of drugs available and plenty of gossip from the newspapers and you always expect the WORST EVER headlines from the English Press as the recent headline “The Unforgettable Defeat” can testify where Arsenal lost to Barcelona in the Champions League final. Australia would love nothing more than a match against England where it would be the highest ever sports TV rating down under – here’s hoping for another David Beckham penalty miss for that match.

France

The French are a worried bunch – but not like a bunch of girls as Thierry Henry would tell us. The last World Cup so fresh in their minds was a major disaster. A World Cup winner from 1998 returning to their next championship in 2002 and they failed to score a single goal. Farcical. It makes you realise how worried they are this time round. But coach Domenech is quite simply a dickhead and it’s what the French don’t need. Deep down Hector Coupet hopes Fabien Barthez screws up because Barthez should not be number 1 goalkeeper – there’s already been a bust up or two. Ludovic Giuly wasn’t even contacted by the coach to tell him he was left out. Giuly was so impressive in the Champions League it’s a disgrace he’s not playing at the World Cup. Leaving football politics behind is never easy in France. Leaving historical politics behind is an even harder chore.

France has always been at the centre of Europe but it was the Germanic tribe The Franks, who occupied France so long ago, well a little after the fall of the Roman Empire. France is basically returning back to their German roots just like England. France’s history has been an active one in terms of occupation, control, abuse, war and killing. Looking back to the Roman occupation, The Gauls lost control yet raided quite a few of the Roman armies. Christianity took over France where everyone had to be pious and follow the Gospels – Christianity became the country’s law. If you didn’t follow you risked heresy and a death whilst burning at a stake or they might drown you. France participated in the Crusades as some nutters went the whole distance to the holy land to be told to sod off back to Europe. France like England had its dynasty of Kings who ruled the lands for 7 centuries and forced unification, but not with Britain, I mean Henry V may have won at Agincourt but the French eventually drove the Brits out of the country. The Royal Crown leadership lived dangerously with the people. There were financial disasters where colonies were lost in India, the West Indies and North America. The French even wanted to help the USA defeat Britain. Eventually after a long period of economic disaster all hell broke loose in 1792 with the storming of the Bastille. The French Revolution ended it all where King Louis XVI and his wife Marie Antoinette were beheaded by the easy-to-use guillotine. Many other French loving monarchists went to their deaths believing that the Royal road was the way to go – it wasn’t. Napoleon Bonaparte led the new Republic (as Emperor no less) and he along with his armies couldn’t help going on a series of war campaigns. He had members of his own family take control of the lands he conquered. One reign of terror had replaced another.

Throughout the 19th century France swung from monarchy to republic to all out empire yet after the Franco-Prussian war of 1870 it was a republic again. Prior to all this France was a dominant (and demonic) colonial pioneer (especially in Africa) having a global empire second to Britain up to WWI. The French were rather good at trench warfare during the war. Germany attempted to control France in the two big wars but France with its skilful resolve thwarted German power on both occasions – with assistance both times from America. After the war French atrocities were never too far away as General Charles de Gaulle involved the French in bitter struggles with Indochina and plenty of terror with its major colony Algeria. Bloodshed and murder were never to far away.

France is the most visited country in the whole wide world but seldom do New Zealanders set foot on the Eiffel Tower given that the French secret service sunk the Greenpeace ship The Rainbow Warrior. The French apologised for the death of one person – no less. It was a total sham. The French have never hidden behind the fact that they like to blow up atomic bombs in the Pacific Ocean. France have always been keen about treaties but it’s not enough to stop French farmers from demonstrating as they continue to be treated as second class citizens. Other issues in the country centre on how massive the unemployment problem is. They have immense troubles with immigration. All that is fostered in France is market development and increases in defence spending. We also can’t forget the most recent street riots by predominantly Muslim and African youths. It’s not all pretty cafes, the Mona Lisa and patisseries in the French countryside.

The future? They play the Swiss first and may not score in this one. Korea will resist long and hard. Togo is France’s best chance to have players sent off as frustration will get to them. Here’s hoping Barthez spazzes and is seen as the ‘has-been’ he should be and Domenech gets kicked out.
Bottomless pit ranking? France loves nothing more these days by slinking away from all that they left behind in their colonial days. The former African nations colonised by France live on to tell their tales of occupation and the expense it had with their cultures. How ironic that the French are more and more ‘occupied’ by people from their former colonies and they are rather troublesome at that! Roll on trouble.

Ecuador

Ecuador enter their 2nd World Cup finals and at there first appearance in 2002 they managed a win and that was against Croatia – better than Australia on debut in 1974. The majority of the squad who played last time are back again but none of their games will be played in the clouds like they always do in Quito. Indian tribes were settled in Quito for thousands of years, but once again the Spaniards ruined everything in 1533. Emperor Atahualpa was executed and the Indians were doing their best to rally against the pig-headed Spanish elites – yet the local Spanish administration took exception to the elites over the next 300 years – hey, no one wants their trade monopoly overthrown do they? The elites had to tread carefully as the landless peasant populations and many of the city ‘rabble’ were always aiming to overthrow Spanish rule. At the battle of Pichincha, the indigenous people were supported by Argentine General de San Martin and famously by the Venezuelan Simon Bolivar, this culminated with Independence in 1822, however, this power struggle was always between coastal landowners versus highland owners. So Ecuador had numerous governments, antagonism between market controllers and exporters – money (and not values in with respect to life) was the motivation. Power and revolution was always close by, along with assassinations, most notably Eloy Alfaro in 1912 - a liberal thinker assassinated by pro-clericals (thou shall not kill?). Compromises and abuses between both land power blocs was always the aim. The governments stupidly borrowed money during WWI, but world prices plummeted particularly for cocoa the principal export crop. Spiralling costs caused the 1925 July Revolution, but with an effort at reform around the corner, it all got swallowed up by the 1928 World Crisis. Governments came and fell. President Ibarra a rich bastard (and 5 times President) came along but he like many before never sorted out the sticky social and economic problems of the country. He was overthrown in 1947 by the usual military coup. The capitalistic approach slowly got a foothold and so a commercial boom occurred with coffee and bananas. Ecuador had border disputes with Peru with a major dispute in 1941 (where Peru kicked Ecuador’s butt) then again in 1950 and then why not again in the 1960’s – which sort of ended the dispute. In the 60’s the army was never too far away, puppet President’s came and went, what do you expect when oil wealth was in the air – which subsequently meant reform, economic difficulties, high inflation and foreign debt. Power, power and more power continually left the ordinary Ecuadorian in despair and by the late 80’s it was time for another crisis. The people fought back - strikes took over. There was strangely time for hectares of land to be handed to the Indian population. Leftists’ politics flipped back to the Right in July 1992 to US born architect Duran. So the dramas continued in the 90’s with refusals of mass resignations, political stand offs, impeachments, ministers physically removed from office and fierce opposition by party members. There was time for a major power blackout as the petrol prices went up, banana production came to a virtual standstill as did fishing. Through all this there was time for a war in 1995 against Peru to do with that border again, where an absurd agreement was made where a 482m2 demilitarised zone was set up – today it is now littered with thousands of landmines. Scandals and political protests were as common as bananas. They even wanted the populace to work longer hours. The Waorani Indians were treated like shit by the oil companies – the misuse of funds saw Vice President Alberto Dahlik flee the country. Right wing politics mixed easily with left wingers and it was all just getting too surreal. In fact Ecuador was labelled the ‘ungovernable’ country of Sth America – corruption was always the cause. Even the El Nino phenomenon in 1997 got blamed for economic problems! The oil crisis and open clashes over economic policy ruled the day. As did emergency plans that didn’t seem to work, an inability to close out debts, bloodless coups with a sense of irony each time – so Ecuador went even more insane adopting the US dollar in 2000, which it still uses today. The Indian population appears to have regained power and it’s a common practice these days that a President doesn’t really get control, serves them right!

So under the guises of mistreatment of the Ecuador people, the National football team brings pride to the area with Ecuador ranked 4th in the region. There home record is one of the best in the World over the last 10 years. Veterans Hurtado, Espinoza, De La Cruz, Tenorio, Mendez and goalscorer Augustin Delgado get their last chance at glory or its back to the banana farms and fishing for sure – enjoy the sun in Europe for the last time.

The future? Ecuador would love nothing more than another respectable performance at this World Cup. They are the new Colombia of the World Cup now, expecting to qualify and try and play some scintillating football. Watch out for the Birdman in the crowds and coach Suarez, who could just as easily be a Colombian hit man.
Bottomless pit ranking? It’s always been a case of miscalculation by those who have power thinking that the population don’t know what’s going on. The majority of the people may be illiterate but they know when there’s bullshit around. Power to the people right now although economically it’s always been some what a disaster.

Czech Republic

These dudes have been around for a while. As far back as 500 AD and through to 700 AD, a major migration of Slavic people moved from the Black sea and Carpathian regions and this was backed up by the slaughter of whoever got in their way – Siberians, Eastern Europeans, Huns, Avars, Bulgars and Magyars met the resistances of the Slavs who settled in the regions of Bohemia and Moravia along with other German settlers who had been migrating south. The Moravian principality arose in the 8th century, followed by the Bohemian state in the 9th century. The kingdom of Bohemia was a significant player during the Middle Ages as it was linked strongly with the Papacy. In the 15th century John Huss a Bohemian religious reformer was denounced a heretic, and his burning at the stake caused two decades of religious and civil war known as the Hussite Wars. The Thirty Years War in the 17th century was even more devastating, the Bohemian state eventually falling to Austria-Hungary. This empire fell apart after WWI and Czechoslovakia was created in 1918, but it all didn’t go too well as the Slavs did not grant its minorities territorial political autonomy, resulting in discontent amongst Germans predominantly. Along came Hitler and used this discontent for his own needs causing fracturing and the eventual split of Slovakia in 1939, the Czech territory went under German occupation and became part of the Reich. During WW2 thousands of Czechs were murdered or sent to concentration camps. The Czechoslovak government was in-exile and was recognised by the Allies. Although the war was devastating, the people had tremendous resolve and as their National motto ‘Pravda vitezi’ (truth prevails) signified a defiant people. But by the late 40’s and into the 50’s Communism was becoming a potent force – the Czechs did not hesitate to have Communists executed. In the 60’s the focus was on reform and democracy but the Soviet invasion (the whole Warsaw pact came on down) threw the reformers into prison in Moscow. The Czechs held their own in the 1970’s and the UN Human Rights team wanted an end to the harassment of Communist dissenters. This eventually led to massive demonstrations where the Czech’s went shopping into the west when the Berlin wall came down. Further down the track the official parting of Slovakia took place and the Czech Republic was born on New years Day 1993 under the nicely named ‘Velvet Revolution’. Hence what the reformers aimed for in the 1960s had finally been won. The Czech Republic has had a tough time over 13 centuries. Franz Kafka once wrote “It is often safer to be in chains than to be free” - yet Kafka’s paranoia no longer rings true today where the Czech Republic ranks highly in Human Rights issues, has an open and free media, have anti-globalisation stances and are giants in tourism where Prague always gets the number 2 vote after Paris as a beautiful city. There is plenty of beauty in the style of football the Czech’s play. Pavel Nedved has to be the most consistent midfielder in Europe over the last 10 years and this tournament is his swansong. Jankulovski, Ujfalusi and Galasek are the defensive guard, whilst Rosicky and Poborsky are still thrilling to watch. Koller, Baros, Smicer and the taking-the-piss Marek Heinz hope to do the damage up front. The toughness of Petr Cech in goal will be critical for a last 16 passage and possibly beyond. The team is a reflection of post-Communist times – one of the most stable and prosperous and free people given that the Czech citizens rank 2nd in Europe as the least believers in God (3 in every 10 people say it’s bollocks), many more Czechs believe that they could win this Cup without even a prayer.

The future? The Czech’s won’t be too excited about a final meeting in Group E v Italy, but here’s to the whipping the United States will get in their opening game and then they’ll destroy Ghana so that it may just be a friendly in the last game.
Bottomless pit ranking? You’d have to think that the days of political strife are over in the Czech Republic. An intense history created a hybrid of possibility that turned out tough, non-conformist and determined to be proud and honourable, hats off to the writings of Milan Kundera as well as he so rightly said, “Life is Elsewhere” as is the Czech mentality – here’s to continued peace.

Croatia

They are the number one nationalists in the World as voted by the Australian football public especially if you’ve been twatted by a flag pole at a local club game in Australia, North Perth Croatia comes to mind. They’re back after a remarkable performance at France ’98 where they were the only team to score a proper goal against the eventual winners in the semi-final yet fluffed their lines in the latter part of that game. Third place was an amazing effort, which was let down by a poor showing in 2002 where they failed to qualify.

They are back, heading to Germany a former failed conqueror. Croatia has always had an uneasy alliance with the rest of Europe – political systems have been tried, partnerships disastrously fostered, restored again and in the last 16 years further destroyed. Destruction is a common thread throughout their long history. They were cohesive enough buddies at the start with Hungary. The Ottoman Empire put paid to Croatian aims as they bullied in and made sure they took most of Bosnia-Herzegovina. There was Roman rule still floating around and it took many years to return Croatia to its status of freedom. It is said that the Croatian east border is where the Ottoman Empire stopped. But the Germans and Serbs still wanted power of the region, the French were stopped and the Magyars still wanted power like before – but the Croatian language was more or less the mother tongue – not Hungarian, not German. The region of Dubrovnik (which is now part of Croatia) had a time as a nation – Dubrovnik strangely enough formally recognised the United States as a new country in 1776, no one else was doing the same for Croatia. In the early 1900s, Croatia joined up with the other Slavic cultures hence Yugoslavia was born in 1929. There were efforts at communism which led to an assassination or two. There was partitioning in 1941, but the Ustashe terrorists (fascists) had a policy of genocide mixing in with the rest of genocide in Europe at the time. With another fascist invasion of Yugoslavia during WWII, Croatia went solo but got dragged back in through Croatia’s favourite son and eventual President Josip Broz-Tito. Tito’s leadership went on until 1980 – fears were rekindled after his death of a major break-up – though strictly not Communist during Tito’s reign of power, Socialism was the order of the day, but Right-wing policies became the ever terrifying mode of thought amongst dangerous minorities. The ethnic Serbs living in Croatia threatened change and violence erupted at the start of 1991, culminating in 4 years of an absurd war. The Yugoslavian football team at the time missed the 1992 European Championships with arguably one of the greatest teams ever assembled. The Croatian War of Independence was predominantly against the Yugoslav National Army (JNA) who initially out-gunned the Croats. Serb populations inside Croatia revolted more firmly and wanted their own state, which the JNA supported. Yet two major offensives in 1995 put paid to the Serbs, which sent them packing to Bosnia and back to Serbia. At this point Croatia had its darkest hour – the largest ethnic cleansing operations are said to have occurred, in which former US President Bill Clinton expressed a strange type of hope through it. Parliamentary seat control was at stake along with changes in constitutions. But ‘peaceful’ territorial disputes continued between feuding monsters Franjo Tudjman and Slobodan Milosevic throughout 1996. The late 90s was a time where many Croats avoided prison sentences related to atrocities against Serbs. Extreme film-making became the norm politicising every little nuance possible so as to emphasise the turmoil prevalent after the war. UN war crimes investigators have always been halted at the border and airports. There is great belief that mass graves must exist but Croatia tip-toes around it. Leave behind what is buried.

En-masse to Germany will be thousands of Croatian supporters armed with their flag poles and foul mouths. Their team will have two former Australian players Anthony Seric and Josip Simunic ready to play against Australia, probably the most important game ever for Croatia. The Kovacs brothers, street-fighting man Darijo Srna, Dado Prso and German based Ivan Klasnic will be critical players who will gleefully try and beat Brazil in game one. It’s not impossible. What is it that drives Croatia to be so fiercely independent? Firstly they want the coastline of the former Yugoslavia as tourism is massive for the area. The necktie (hence the cravat) started life in Croatia through revolutionaries who wore a dangling cloth around their necks, which business the world over mimic everyday. The fountain pen started life in Croatia – but the pen has not been mightier than the sword as the current Croatian media has found to its cost. Tito’s legacy does not live on even though he was a fervent Croat himself, nevertheless he would not have wanted the horrors of war 11 years after his death. Croatia travels to another nation decimated by war over 60 years ago, yet Croatia are Europe’s most recent war victims and murderers - everyone easily forgets – unless they meet Serbia in the Quarter-finals or who knows beyond? Friendship and war are never too far away in Croatia.

The future? Croatia expects to deliver and account for Australia and Japan – something tells me they’re in for a long haul like in 1998. Srna to earn a big contract after the tournament.
Bottomless pit ranking? With recent war crimes forgotten and ex-tennis ace Goran Ivanisevic seen cheering in the crowd one can only second guess how Croatians reflect on their past – there seems to always be an enemy. The theft of culture, land and language drives them batty – let’s hope in the future Hrvatske has less of a bloody history and even less flag poles and flares in the stands.

Footballers coming home

F.A.U.K. Part 1

The Guardian managed a few crackers recently (6th May). Firstly, congratulations to David Lacey for writing the following about Sven-Goran Eriksson’s selection dramas:

“On the brighter side, Darius Vassell, once Eriksson’s answer to everything, is due a hernia operation and Emile Heskey, the answer to nothing, has been relegated [with Birmingham].”

Barney Ronay also managed to slip in with “How many toes do you need anyway? Over the last week Wayne Rooney has started to resemble the knight from the Monty Python film who refuses to lie down and die no matter how many limbs are hacked off.” On might also ask, how many spines do you need to make a football association???

When England ultimately go out of the World Cup, blame should turn not turn to the absence of Rooney, to the inevitable disallowed goal for fouling the keeper or to a poor Steven Gerrard backpass. Instread, attention should turn to the FA itself and its absence of spine.

The FA have continued to ruin the prospects and honour of English football. Not only did they fail to make a man’s decision about the fate of Liverpool and Everton in last years 5th place Chumpions League fiasco, but they failed to deal with Mr Sven-Goran Eriksson and his taciturn, passionless and mercenary attitudes. At least in the latter case, this characteristic was probably familiar to the FA Board of Directors.

Is it possible to separate Sven from the FA, or is that the point? Forget all the affairs, the exorbitant salary and the mediocre tactics employed by the Swede. Think to his attitude about the team: Wayne is injured and the competition is over. Heaven forbid. It is easy to remember the impact at the European Championships in 2004 when the fate of Rooney’s foot symbolically broke the courage of the English team. But now, before the impending tournament, surely a man in his position should be bolstering the confidence of some other lad in the team, or even one of the many who isn’t, such as Charlton’s Darren Bent, like Jermaine Defoe, or even Darius Vassell again. But no, its all panic and absence of ideas and overall, an absence of attacking nous in the team. You have to ask, why did the FA keep him on?

And why his selection and panic about strikers anyway? Surely there is enough quality players in England? Of course there is bias towards the big clubs, this is normal, but Theo Walcott??? A player who hasn’t yet played in The Premiership, a player who Sven had barely seen train before his inclusion. With Jermain Defoe and even Andrew Johnson on the standby list you have to wonder whether the untapped enthusiasm of Walcott will triumph better in place of at least some experience. Johnson may have clocked up 17 goals in the Championship, but Defoe has admittedly only managed 9 goals from 38 starts and 14 substitutes appearances with Tottenham. This all, barely, makes sense statistically against Crouch’s 13 from 49(7). But even Crouch seems a long way behind Darren Bent’s 22 goals in 45 games this season for ‘little team’ Charlton. What is even more surprising about Crouch’s inclusion ahead of Bent, is that nobody from Liverpool sits on the Board of Directors to influence the decision. In Walcott’s case, things may be clearer. Is it perhaps the influence of David Dein, vice chairman of the board of Arsenal, and FA Board
executive who may be pulling some strings? Hasn’t he already been accused of favouring Arsenal over fixtures last season?

Brazil

High up on the Concorado Hill, Rio – the statue, ‘Jesus Christ the Redeemer’ has had razor-wire fitted on the extended arms of the Saviour to stop would-be extreme parachutists from base jumping. The barbed wire, although not exactly a crown of thorns represents nicely the Brazilian pain over its 500 year history. However, they are the KINGS OF FOOTBALL and this time round the team is so super-strong, you’d need 22 players on the pitch to beat them. Speaking of strength the Amerindian population were powerful in the 16th century.
Sure the Portuguese invaders/conquerors turned a massive land mass into their own and they made sure the Dutch and French kept their mits of it but the locals were exterminated in most parts during the ‘assimilation’ with the Portuguese. Then if you throw in the many black African slaves that were forced into the country, which now dominate the populace today (and are still slaves) and then the European population during the 19th century then Brazil represents the most ambitious mix of people of all time. In fact racism in Brazil is an ‘unbailable’ crime (imposed in 1988) – and it is met with imprisonment.

The crime against racism unfortunately came too late for the many killed over the centuries due to race and creed. But let’s forget about that for the moment. Isn’t the football just marvellous to watch? And this time Kaka and cuddly Ronaldinho will be more involved than in 2002. You have Fat bastard Ronaldo who is trying to be the highest goal scorer and burger eater ever – he will be ably assisted by the young Marlon Brando look-a-like Adriano. Brazil could easily provide all 32 teams at the World Cup and no one would complain - except Argentina.

Brazil can for the meantime forget about the external debt of $220 billion owing, which even Bono can’t do anything about. It was high time (we are talking 1990 here), that common sense sorted out their finances (as flimsy as a G-string at Carnival time I guess) but these days the Brazilian economy is trying to detach itself from the political stranglehold – politics won’t bring smiles to the starving kiddies but football still does. The overall Brazilian infrastructure needs sorting out. You have low quality public services, widespread corruption (you name it, Brazil has some how corrupted it), they have the worst government bureaucracy in place. And don’t mention the poor (OK, it’s around 45 million, that’s 25% of the population) and they go genuinely hungry, doing shitty jobs and 1 in every 10th person is illiterate – hence the largest catholic population in the world!!!

The Rio police occasionally are nasty to the slum-street kids – well why not! Who can stop the vicious circle of drugs, crime and sex labour that develops in the slums of the big cities? The Rio carnival is a lot of fun – was this established to poke fun at the not so memorable 1900’s where Brazil could not compete at the Industrial level? Someone finally said – “democracy will fix everything” and yeah Brazil woke up and they were dumped out of Italia ’90 by old friends Argentina. At the same time the military were ready to take on the powerful(less) and were almost on the verge of circling the Brazilian congress in 1993 to sort out the continual corruption, cheating, lies and abuse of power – but they didn’t.
Brazil stands as a world enigma – a total inactivity on social problems as if poverty is a magnificent thing along with the senseless street violence, kidnappings and murders.

Shall I mention the Indian tribes again? Yanomano Indians, 75 of them were murdered by gold and tin miners – because they “got in the way”. Does violence beget violence? The consistent police raids (backed by military personnel) can testify as it combats violence, drugs and gang warfare and that’s just at a local Brazilian football match! So Brazil looks to winning its sixth World Cup, protect its shrinking rain forests, and one day, oh Jesus one day – a nationwide ban on the sale of firearms. But don’t bet on it because even in 2000 this logical idea was overturned and just like its northern neighbours (America) it would have violated their laws in the right to self-defence. It’s far safer to base-jump off Jesus’ marble arms than fall into his crumbling loving arms.

The future? They won’t concede a goal this time. They’ll win their group. It would take a stroke of Rooney magic to end their fame as the kings. Although they may just play Italy in the round of 16 and both nations will hold their breath. They may get to place this trophy next to the Jules Rimet one for ever as well.

Bottomless pit ranking? There was an outcry over the ‘accidental’ killing of a suspected terrorist in London in 2005 by British police. Brazilians were outraged, but not at home amongst the slums. Drug addicts, murder and the cruelty of being homeless for the many hundreds of millions in the daily grind towards Brazilian glory in Germany.

Costa Rica

Costa Rica has a popular national saying “Pura Vida!” (Pure Life!). And one has many reasons to believe that this is the case of the Central Americans. It was the first nation in the world (in 1949) to constitutionally abolish its army. Costa Rica got its independence from the annoying Spaniards in 1821 – and so the rich coast was born. It has developed into a strong democratic republic with a very healthy constitution. It seemingly avoided the violence that has plagued most of the other Central American nations in the 20th century and is seen as a shining light of the area. It has been referred to as the “Switzerland of the Americas” because of its political stability – perhaps you can open a Swiss bank account there as well? They are a highly agricultural country and have a relatively high standard of living.
Then there’s the ever booming electronics industry, expanding so much so that Intel are doing quite well there thank you!

Costa Rica promotes free trade, but not many footballers have made it that big. Paolo Wanchope was seen in the EPL and is the only well known ‘Tico’. Wanchope is ending his career in Qatar and may only play a nominal part in the finals. Costa Rica will open its finals campaign against the hosts Germany and it is fitting that such a great country should be involved given that one of their main foreign policy objectives is to foster human rights and sustain development in the region. The nerves shouldn’t get to them in their first game and they’ll be glad to be on the World stage and cause a shock or two. They fancy their chances in getting out of Group A.

Costa Rica’s ‘pure life’ motto even occurred during the Cold War, where they were the first Central American country to have ties with the USSR – boosting their coffee exports in the process. President Nixon wasn’t too pleased at the time either. The tico ideals are that of a very friendly, helpful, laidback, unhurried, educated and environmentally aware people with little worry for deadlines – basically they love nothing more than taking the piss out of the ‘gringos’ (i.e. Americans).

Sure, many of the former Indian cultures died from disease and mistreatment by the Spaniards, but today, Costa Rica (like Brazil) has a kaleidoscope of ethnic groups, that has thrown up Nobel Peace Prize winners as was the case in 1987 when President Oscar Arias Sanchez took the honours. Costa Rica has no military or navy, so to fill the gaps left behind, their abundant wildlife has been said to be the great defenders of the country – the soldiers are the leaf cutter ants, the pilots are the macaws and the navy ships are the whales! Surely Costa Rica can’t be stung by killer wasps of human rights abuse with that sort of imagination.

The future? Pretty much the same into the 21st century where economic ruin looks unlikely and Claudia Poll wins a few more Olympic gold medals in Beijing in the swimming. They may even get a dream last 16 game against England, where they’ll be gutsy to the end.
Bottomless pit ranking? Costa Rica, the rich coast, pure life indeed and at least trying to embrace life fully. A not-so-shocking history. They should be allowed to win the World Cup without even playing.

Argentina

How nervous will Argentina be at this World Cup? Not as nervous as the civilians and dissidents who were thrown out alive from helicopters over the Atlantic Ocean during the political upheavals from the ‘dirty war’. But youngsters such as Lionel Messi and Carlos Tevez need not worry as the last 60 or so years may be forgiven (or forgotten) and celebrations may turn to Hernan Crespo scoring the winner on his birthday (July 5th) that’s semi-final day when Argentina make the final. But a dead man’s curve is ahead in the Group of Death (how appropriate!) but it’s up to the other Jose, Jose Pekerman to restore peace and order. Gabriel Heinze is fighting to overcome his knee injury (from last year); Cambiasso, Veron, Sorin and Zanetti will compliment the super slick ball skills of Riquelme in midfield (don’t let him take a penalty!). It will be a case of avoiding unfathomable pain again by ensuring they progress out of la grupa della morte.



Argentina’s recent non-football track record reads like the misdemeanours of Tuco (the Ugly) from The Good the Bad and the Ugly – here’s the rundown.

The excessive political manipulations over the years, the selling of arms, the abductions and killing of people (due to their political views) especially during ‘the dirty war’ and even before in the Peronist era. The increase of military camps, the multiple strikes, the deterioration of the peso (due to its link to the US dollar), the taking of the Falkland Islands and the pathetic leadership of military meathead Galtieri; the misuse of Public money; reforms and economic emergency bills; political instability, financial panic, bloody riots, terrorist operations all lovingly taken care of by the CIA just to stop the ‘revolution’ that never came but Argentines have always had a public revulsion in the face of human rights abuses – but the world once again didn’t listen and then in the most biblical sense (and only 4 years ago) a declaration that Argentina had a ‘food emergency’ on its hands!!! The football kids can’t even get three square meals a day for football training (they naturally faint during training) even this type of abuse says it all.



Nevertheless Argentina is once again saved by football as it was in 1978 where the World Cup was quite literally bought and fixed by some unknown silent force that conned the referees. In 1986 a diminutive figure took control of Argentina’s World Cup ambitions and real football super-stardom had begun. A thinner Diego Maradona will be in Germany and we may just see him crying in the stands win or lose the final – let’s just hope he’s wearing an anti-Bush T-shirt and he’s off the drugs for good this time. Who knows Fidel Castro may even fly into Germany on Maradona’s request.


The future? It may work out better if they come 2nd in their group then a tie with their good friends England would be on the cards. They may score the most goals at the tournament or quite possibly the least if the nerves get to them.

Bottomless pit ranking? If only we knew the official numbers of deaths during the dirty war? Argentinean mothers know and forget the so incredibly late compensation! Injustice is a framed picture of a young man that is fading in the Argentine sun the framed picture is in a cemetery.

Angola

Angola’s national anthem is Angola Avante translated in Portuguese as ‘Forward Angola’ – but Angola will be going backwards after their first game and first finals appearance against former colonists Portugal. How Angola managed an away draw at Nigeria and a win at Rwanda in their last game ended up creating more history than their 1975 Independence from Portugal. The 27 years after 1975 was of unbridled passion for Civil war but in simple terms there was a conflict between ‘oil’ and ‘diamond’ thugs under political guises which dominated the attention of Cubans, Namibians, South Africans and once again the USA.

In the 17th century the Portuguese retook Angola from the Dutch – the slave trade flourished but it took 300 years to claim Angola as a province of Portugal. The former province of Portugal after 1975 hosted three independent movements – the MPLA (Popular Movement for the Liberation of Angola) who were the ‘oil boys’. The FNLA (National Liberation Front of Angola) – who were US backed; and UNITA (National Union for Total Independence of Angola) – the ‘diamond dogs’. So out went the slave-trading Portuguese in exchange for Civil war where South African troops supported UNITA and Cuban troops the MPLA. Within a year the FNLA was defeated so the US switched allegiance to UNITA to assist in beating the Cuban backed MPLA. The illegal movement of oil and diamonds went on for the next 14 years in exchange for armaments. The 27 years of unrest was intermixed with attempts at national unity – but by the time it was all over, millions of people were left homeless and afflicted; minefields littered the land; ambushes and kidnappings were a daily occurrence and finally a death toll of some 300 – 400 thousand lives are thought to have been lost during Angola’s attempts at democracy or was it just plain lunacy? Why Angola wants to take revenge against Portugal at the World Cup seems odd compared to the most recent atrocities – and even more odd is that the Angolan Federation is poaching players from Portugal with any inkling heritage of Angolan blood (-on-their-hands).

Angola will be the laughing stock at the World Cup and so will their scheduled elections in 2006, their first since 1992. Akwa the captain is the player to watch along with the many mercenary Angolan players who play in the oil rich nations of the Middle East – Angola deserves no support at the World Cup especially the dignitaries that will sit within the FIFA confines at games.

The future? Bottom of group D, minefields to be cleared, child slavery on the rise and the impossibility of a ‘fair’ election. How many of those Cuban soldiers returned home?
Bottomless pit ranking? Under 500 000 lives, but a potential to climb again.

The Bottomless Pit (Part 1 of 32)

Footballer lovers, abusers and murderers of the World unite for the most non-official review of all 32 finalists at World Cup Germany 2006 – where the bottomless pit of human rights abuses is investigated to see which finalists have been rather nice or rather horrific over history and why some teams have never said sorry in the right spirit and think it’s OK to celebrate on a football field holding a trophy aloft. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer. Let the mass-murder begin!

SMS Thriller

A thriller is avoiding relegation at 90 minutes. Show us loyalty now. Nil-nil and then nil-nil, two scores over two days – perfect nothingness but a 1-nil score line = infinite. How far off was Lehman on that penalty kick? Gone to the dogs – Riquelme a mother-fucker. The myth dies. I am after the last hope already. The problem with football is 2-10cm, where close is infinite. One-nil is 66423-0 after 90 minutes. Jose Mourinho is a car without brakes. Too much glory from luck for too many teams. I hate football. I care! I want everything! Yes, at least there is choice with lifestyle! Barcelona society is a program! Winning is nothing without more winning!

Football vs religion

To the World Cup winner to come in 2006, ponder your praises upon up high. The hard work is over and now in preparation to lift the trophy with aching limbs but with wild smiles. Lift up your eyes, higher, higher and above the World Cup orb you so cherish. There! Can you see it? Seek out a throne made of excrement and gold, and sitting upon it with idiotic pride, his body draped in a shroud of unwashed hospital linen, serene and preposterous – he who calls himself the creator!


Camus must have read The Chants of Maldoror and almost hallucinated upon the surrealistic prose of the mad young Frenchman the exquisitely named Le Comte de Lautreaumont. The creator was a mishap, a madman, a lunatic, a divine master of nothing and a mutant of everything vile and beautiful at the same time – a cocktail of life and death, of respiration and expiration, of disease and conditional health – the creator could so easily commit suicide with his mountain of ideas!



What of Football, the suicidal back pass? The winning and losing, but what of a different type of football match? There is no football match which will ever be played to decide whether or not suicide is the most important philosophy to muse over. If one dies eventually - in Camus’ eyes, and this is where the absurd enters, starts and belatedly may finish. If we all die, what is the point of suicide anyway? One must praise Camus for one of his most insightful moments “I’m on the side of life”.

If consciousness is extinguished whether in unplanned or planned circumstances then consciousness is the agonising truth for us all – and if stripped back what is it that one exactly tries to preserve with respect to existence? What part? What memory? What was the best football match you ever saw? What goal was the best? Etc!



There were profound lessons in my youth about preservation and it was all linked to my love of football – the devout and balding Father Gaetano Nani, the Italian priest who brooded to my parents that it was not good for Giovanni to miss mass on Sunday because he was playing football at the same time – this was sinful. My Father didn’t seem too worried – at one point he was paying me to score and win! Then another time the aging and fragile Sisters at my Catholic Primary school forbade me to attend a soccer final because I had not completed a ‘second time’ my Confirmation studies at the school when I had already completed them with my local church – it was sacrilegious amongst my soccer-friends that myself and one of my best friends would miss the most important final of our lives (aged 12). We won the final, I played that game. I didn’t pray that I would play, I wanted to stun the nuns – I along with my friend picked up litter all morning, dirtied my hands, swaggered around, defiant as if I had done no wrong deed. Wasn’t I religious enough? Why twice? What sin had I committed? I was given an exemption not to do the studies – yet the ‘Mother Superior’ had not been consulted on the matter. But I was resourceful that day – religion did not win. Skill and football did. In honouring that day… I was the creator.



Johnny Nonation

Women in football

Welcome to our occasional series of articles covering the topic of women in football.

We begin with an analysis of the proceedings that occurred after the final whistle of Sevilla's farsical demolotion of Middlesborough on Wednesday in the final of the UEFA Cup in Eindhoven.

At the end of the match, Prince Philip (Principe Felipe) of Spain and his beautiful wife Princess Letizia (pictured) went down from the royal box to be amongst the players. Principe Felipe took the trophy and held it aloft for the players and fans. What was remarkable about this moment was his goodly wife stood alongside, surrounded by the men and remaining silent and smiling while they all reached to touch the sacred object.

One must wonder at this. Was he forsaking his wife? Was she instructed not to touch the trophy? Certainly she is a short woman, much shorter than him, so it is possible she couldn't reach it when he held it up? But it seems more symbolic and ancient than this. On one hand, the trophy might be seen as a phallic object, a sacred penis. However, careful analysis of mythical history reveals the trophy is a Grail symbol, the One (or Ace) of Cups, as it were. The season, or championship, is thus a quest for the grail. But what is the grail symbol?

"[The] Grail is a powerful symbol of primal female fecundity-nurturance-wisdom-divinity. Not only is the Grail-bearer generally a young woman, but the luminous Grail often contains the image of a child either by itself or within a eucharistic wafer. It takes little imagination to see the archetypal connection between the Grail as vessel-womb being fertilized, and the Christian story of the Incarnation-Annunciation, symbolized by the Eucharistic Cup." writes scholar Ingrid Shafer

Sounds strange? Why then were several Sevillian players seen tucking balls under their shirts in imitation of pregnancy? It must be noticed that the Princess recently gave birth to her own child.

However, in this instance, it was not the bestowing of the cup that was undertaken by a women. It is not that Prince Felipe witheld the sacred right from his wife, but that the original bestowing was performed by the UEFA President. This then is a symbolic and mythological falacy.

We must create a matriarchal line of women to head UEFA, and ultimately FIFA, in order to provide a pure line of women for the symbolic handing-over of the womb symbol to be fertilised by the man. The first woman of the dynasty should be the daughter of Principe Felipe and Letizia. Only in this way can we restore the interest of women to football and restore the ancient passage of energy to its natural flow. We must not forget our ancient patterns of behviour even in the theatre of the modern World Game.

And as a final, one must also note the presence of the Fool, the Joker amongst the players. A potent symbol that becomes before others, standing above the unformed world.

Music and football

In the first of our soon to be regular installments on this themes, we present to you Mark E.. Smith, legendary front man for enduring Manchester rockers the Fall reading the classified results for the BBC.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/score_on_bbci/4450760.stm

Click on the link to the right entitled 'Rock legend reads the football scores ' for the video and audio content.

The Fall were of course named after one of the novels by our muse Albert Camus. Smith, a Manchester City fan has also written a football related song entitled Theme From Sparta FC , originally released on the album entitled 'The real new Fall lp'. The track has been used as the theme music for the BBCs score show.

Coming soon for lifestyle fans

The new blog will start a 32 country wrap-up about ‘the bottomless pit of human rights abuses’ of all 32 nations at the World Cup plus some football accolades on who just might win the FIRST EVER OH-I-CAN’T-MISS-OUT-ON-WATCHING-THE-LIFESTYLE-WORLD-CUP… see you in the gambling halls of fixed matches.

Johnny Nonation (1974 – 2006 and counting)

English Parliamentary League (EPL)

Tony Blair faces axe.

Tony Blair’s nine year rein as manager of New Labour F.C. may be about to come to an end. A string of poor results has seen the once revived club and former champions finish the 2005-06 season dangling above the relegation zone, with only the results of other final-day matches preventing the trap door from opening. Blair’s NLFC, needing at least a point for survival, slumped to a third consecutive home defeat, taking a 0-3 battering to David Cameron’s Conservatives, a team that had not beaten New Labour away since 1992s general election victory. New Labour finished 472 councillors lower than last season in the final league standing and only managed to avoid a drop to the Nationwide Opposition Conference through the inability of Sir Menzies Campbells to lift Liberal Democrat Albion into a run of consistent form. Campbell, who took over the management position from Charles Kennedy late last year, was expected to lift the Lib Dems to a mid table position. LDA who started promisingly under Campbell, ultimately failed to obtain more than 13 seats in the whole season. NLFC also suffered a notorious and bad tempered 0-1 home defeat against universal arch-rivals BNP in April, a result blamed on Margaret Hodge whose poor defending and subsequent red card allowed the Barking-based club to take the three points. Blair’s stubborn belief in Hodge’s ability had already angered many sections of supporters, particularly the hard-line and Euro-sceptic Cool Britannia’s.

Blair, once hailed as the new Brian Clough, led NLFC to a record winning season in 1997 and promised to take English football back into Europe after the barren Thatcher years. However, Blair’s reputation began to slide drastically when he took a second-string squad to the Middle East for the Imperialist Cup in March 2003. His serious underestimation of the Iraqi opposition resulted in a famous loss and a hammering from the press. Blair’s response was to drop Geoff ‘Buffoon’ Hoon as Defence Minister, but it was all too late. His persistent use of the unfit John Prescott as lone striker and his infamous falling out with captain and mid field play maker Alistair Campbell, who has since joined Celtic, has slowly eroded away fan and boardroom support.

The club have not commented publicly on their intentions, but with the inter season period ahead and the opening of the transfer window pending, it is almost certain that Blair will be axed. Ladbrokes have given the best odds for assistant manager Gordon Brown to take over the helm, but a bid for another manager may not be out of the question as post World Cup manager shuffles begin. The other season-end casualty was George Galloway’s Respect who return to the lower divisions where they belong.

The Fall

My name is Ramon.

I am a hypocrite.

I was born in Perth, in the state of excitement in 1973 and not Toledo as I once claimed. I was born in an Australian era when football was footie; when football meant Victorian Football League (VFL); when football meant sitting on my father’s knee to watch Drew Morfett host The Winners every Sunday night after Countdown. My father never did take me to a football game and for this I am grateful. I have no memories, then, of ‘aussie rules’, but only the everlasting memory of The Winners theme music and a vague homosexual delight in watching burly men tangle with each other in the Melbourne rain.

I first encountered ‘soccer’ in the fifth grade. Back then it was customary to feature a month or two of each sport, to learn the basics, to at least know the name of what you were meant to be doing. Back then, soccer was only for sheilas, wogs and poofters. I remember the other boys laughing, insisting that we might also learn to hug each other like those foreign players did. How easily scornful we were, so confident in knowing that it was worse to embrace another man in celebration, rather than throw him coarsely into the mud, in manly fashion, like they did in VFL. Besides, those soccer players could only score one or two goals a game. In real footie you could get over a hundred points! But the most surprising thing I remember about that first day was being told by the teacher, looking up from his instruction manual, how to kick the ball with the inside of your foot. What a strange thing to do, I thought.

The next time I thought about football (soccer) was when I was a teenager and had access to the families first home computer, the legendary Commodore Amiga (no we never had an Commodore 64, Atari or Spectrum). I’d never seen a football match. Ever. I’d not even seen a soccer ball since those early school days. But I fell in love with the first edition of Championship Manager despite the fact that it had no graphics, no sound (as such, except that scratchy imitation crowd noise) and essentially no moving parts.

I remember looking at the list of teams to choose for the first time. I didn’t want to manage one of those big clubs from the big towns I’d heard of, like Oxford. I was always for the underdog. So I chose a strange name, something unimaginable. I chose Scunthorpe United. I lead the team from the old division 4 to the first division in straight seasons. I won the European Cup from the third division. I won the FA Cup nearly every year. I was always on top and I never faltered. Neither did I cheat. Much.

I was there for hours, me and my best friend Nick watching the Classified Results click over endlessly with impatience. I smoked cigarette after cigarette watching the game prepare the database for another season. I cried when Jim Mowbray, my star striker, averaging over 30 goals a season, failed to renew his contract. He preferred the comforts of the lower division than the fame and fortune of division 1 and Europe where all the players where named after numbers like dishes in a Chinese restaurant.
I eventually did move to Europe, to England, the birth place of the world game. I was and always will be a Scunthorpe fan. I spent two years in England, several in Australia and then two more again before moving to Spain. In that time I managed to see my beloved team about 10 times, but never once did I see them win. I’ve been to Glanford Park several times. I own two scarves and a bootleg T-shirt that is badly faded. I sat in the cold of the Shrimpers stadium in Southend-on-Sea on a Friday night in Winter battling through a 0-0 draw. But I wanted more.

On the 19th April 1998 I went to Stamford Bridge for the first time with my friend Johnny Nonation. The match was against Sheffield Wednesday. Chelsea won 1-0 with a Frank Lebouef penalty after 23 minutes though I have fonder memories of Wednesday’s Carbone hitting the cross bar with an overhead kick.

The seed was planted. After this, I always had a growing fondness for Chelsea, for their apparent Europeaness, for that memory, for that beginning. There were several other critical factors. I will not lie. I will say to you without hesitation that it was when Mourinho moved from Porto that I began to cast my lot in with the Blues. I had watched a lot of Porto games with my ever enthusiastic Portuguese friend Diogo, mostly the Champions league of course. I liked what Mourinho said. I liked his attitude and flair, especially in the face of perennial dullards like Arsene ‘Principal Skinner’ Wenger. Most importantly, I liked his coat. I used to favour Liverpool because of Harry Kewell, but that is a shallow reason to support a club.

There are other reasons for why I found yourself loyal. My friend Mark. A stalwart from the old days, with tales of the Fall, Joy Division and of the Malcolm McClaren era along the King’s Road; whose swagger and musical knowledge were always an inspiration. There was also the fact that I could actually watch Chelsea in the pub, unlike the Iron, whom I only saw once on the box. Chelsea took away the pain of being alone.

But the important thing is: I wasn’t born loyal. I made my allegiances. I chose them all and am responsible for them all. I was always for the underdog. I always hated the big clubs, especially Manchester United and more so Arsenal. I hated corporations and their power. It took me a long time to realise I was wrong.

I reconcile myself to my hypocrisy, I rejoice in it by saying that I grew sick of the underdog, sick of that mindless assertion of desire that the little team won. To hell with them. Let them lose. Let there be domination. Let it be naked, protean power. People hate Chelsea for this, for the arrogance. But don’t fool yourself a minute longer: it’s all around you. You can’t escape it. Man U have it; Arsenal have it. Steve Bruce has it when he claims he won’t quit his failing side. I embrace it and its evil. I am for Chelsea and for Scunthorpe. I am for power and victory. I am for belief and loyalty. I am for blue and for thinking about what it is that you are doing. I am for feeling, even if it means that one day I must be destroyed in turn. As Yukio Mishima said: ‘Subtle evil is more beautiful than coarse goodness.’ I don’t know if this evil is subtle or not. But I know where I have chosen to be.

Medal for sale

The medal Jose Mourinho never won

As revealed in this site, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho threw his winners medal into the crowd on the weekend. Several false attempts have been made to sell this medal on eBay, but it is clear that its true whereabouts are still unknown. Rumour has it that Sir Alex Ferguson can be seen at night scouring the ground of the Mathew Harding stand on his hands and knees in vain hope of finding it.

However, a rarer, more precious item is availble on the fabled internet auction site for the connoisseur of football memorabilia. For 8 days only it will be possible to bid for the medal Jose Mourinho never won... be quick, becuase there is no guarrantee when he will win this one.

The link in this post has been updated (thanks for your comments)

Genocide vs football

Genocide vs football

Camus always said “Live life to the point of tears” – he wasn’t talking about footballers today in this case. There is despair and there is anguish in football and then there is genocide.

The footballer requires an introduction to the bottomless pit of human rights abuses before he/she partakes in the great game – then we shall know that they will play with greater honesty and reflection. Eric Cantona knows this. When the conquering Brazil side lost to Italy in the 1982 World Cup and were eliminated the Brazilian players religiously crossed themselves as they left the ground - some were in tears – except Socrates. He shrugged his shoulders, clapped his hands and put his hand out to congratulate the Italians on a marvellous game. The only thing missing was the hemlock, which unfortunately many Brazilian fans requested the Brazilian team drink after their elimination. Too many football people speak about the game by stating a very disappointing comment - “That’s football”, which is nonsense.

This should not be the philosophy. No player has ever handed their World Cup winning medal back because of this philosophy (e.g. Maradona at the 1986 World Cup).
The day a player hands his medal back is the day a player has read Tolstoy or quoted George Santayana – “Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it”. Albert Camus was killed in a motor vehicle accident as were the footballers Deyna of Poland and Scirea of Italy - they were unfortunately condemned to repeat this sorrowful end. Holding up a trophy or enacting reverence to a higher being (Brazil at 2002 World Cup final) is not a philosophy; the Bible is one of the most genocidal books in history. Jose Mourinho, like Mohammed Ali before him threw his 2nd Chelsea winning medal into an ocean, an ocean of fans. Mourinho, like Cantona before him knows life and silence, and what it takes to win but at the same time to quote Mourinho “So I know all about the ups and downs of football, I know that one day I will be sacked”.

Johnny Nonation