England

What do you say about a country that wanted to rule the World? In football terms they’d love to rule the World Cup as well, but at Euro 2004 the fans wanted to lynch the referee who toppled them out, but the fans never send death threats to their own players for screwing up do they? David Beckham always says they are the best fans in the World, but he’s forgotten 1998 already. There’s something odd about England these days – a territory so blindingly blind, they still seem to think other nations have a Monarchy system and that Diego Maradona cheated. Spain are always criticised for under-achieving at World Cups but one other EUROPEAN team stands head and shoulders above them and that’s England – failure to qualify for USA 1994 is testament to that. At least Spain played in that one.

And so England returns ‘home’ to mainland Europe as the ‘Angles’ tribe who were originally from Germany had settled on the island over the 5th-6th centuries. Don’t forget the French also headed on up to England and they were oddly enough called the ‘Britons’. They were there before the Germanic tribes arrived. The Britons had hit it out with the Romans but the Roman invasion didn’t last long as they had too many concerns elsewhere so they opted out of control of the island – the Angles, Saxons and Jutes were the main invaders in the end. When did 'England become England' is the question? Shakespeare never asked this. But before Shakespeare completed his pile of dung writing so eloquently put by French Philosopher Voltaire there were battles to be fought (Hastings for example that started off the lifestyle of war) and with that the Norman Conquest was sorted out by William the Conqueror, so with that he decided to tax the Brits. A little bit of murder and battles went on for greater control of the land but more invasions were needed in the name of God and that well known Crusader Richard the Lionheart went on the rampage in the Holy land. The moors at the time thought the raiding parties were damn dirty swine. The Magna Carta talked about liberty and justice - fat chance of that as civil war continued throughout the 13th century. The Scots were losing control in the north where William ‘Mel Gibson’ Wallace was brutally executed but Robert Bruce secured Scottish independence in 1314 – after another battle of course.

The constitutional development of the monarchy took major steps in England but Edward II was murdered and his son took over. The Black Death plummeted England’s population by about 50%. England went to war against France during the Hundred Years War and England got all the wool sales after that. Richard II got garrotted probably – he had too many riches the miser. The houses of Lancaster were at each others throats – it was Henry IV and V versus Richard II and Edward IV, but Henry V achieved fame in France at Agincourt. Some boy princes were murdered in a tower so Richard III held sway until the Tudors defeated him. The Tudors took England from medieval to modern times and the English language became the national tongue or they’d have your tongue cut out if you didn’t speak it.

Henry VII was on the throne and he was a difficult chappie and his son Henry XIII lopped off a wife’s head or two. He turned the religious scope on its head refusing the Pope’s authority about marriage by dumping his first wife (hey, he married 6 times to become a Royal celebrity). Mary became queen, and wanted to go all Catholic again - she burned Protestants in the process. Elizabeth imprisoned her and had her executed. Spain was embroiled in the Religious Wars where the Spanish Armada was sunk and through luck more than effort Britain survived further invasion – it was so freaky.

Guy Fawkes an English catholic wanted to blow up Parliament House but he was caught and what do you know? He was executed. Charles the 1st screwed up as he had his head cut off and Oliver Cromwell like Dick Dastardly smashed the Irish and went unhindered until Charles II restored the monarchy. His brother James II wanted a return to Catholicism but this was thwarted by a Dutchman who wore Orange. This meant that Catholics were told to sod off from the throne – so much for equal opportunity. The failure to invade Europe meant England’s unification in 1707 with the rest of the island through force was important as the north lost their parliament to London. The George’s came along – brewing more conflict, more wars and greater political control but George III lost the America for good in 1776.

At the start of the 19th century the United Kingdom was born. During this epoch the French Revolution was festering away and Europe went to war – Trafalgar and Waterloo were seized by England. Trees were chopped down for the Industrial Revolution, the Brits got rich under child slavery and through longer working days. Slums were born and people just got poor – a lot like Margaret Thatcher’s reign later on. Queen Victoria held power for an almighty long time so no wonder imperialism was the rage. With this came more war – the Boer war, the Boxer Rebellion in China, the Brit-Pop battle between Oasis and Blur and the debate on the line up for Live Aid. Women’s Right’s finally got off the ground through the Suffragists which ended with a page 3 spread of Samantha Fox in The Sun newspaper.

Britain went to war in Europe again, thanks to invading German forces in Belgium. British casualties at Flanders, Somme and Ypres meant the Aussies and Kiwis could fight at Gallipoli and therefore be slaughtered. The Brits won but casualties were around 750 000 lives. Hardship came to Britain after WWI and things started getting out of control in the Middle East and India. England gave up its colonial extravagance by allowing independence to Australia, Canada, Sth Africa and New Zealand. In the early 1930s the British started spending money on armaments as Germany and to a lesser extent Italian fascism was gaining momentum. Prime Minister Chamberlain didn’t see it coming whilst signing some documents with Adolf Hitler in 1938. He eventually resigned, Churchill and Dad’s Army took over – WWII wasn’t a computer game. In the following 6 years bombs and troop deaths were exchanged between warring parties. Thanks to the USA on D-day and a massive bombing exercise in Dresden, Britain saved the World from German humour and lakeside nudity. Churchill took the plaudits and Hogan’s Heroes was made. Britain became a major player for the UN super-club in 1946. Former colonies were emptied of British rule but not before an Anglo-French attack at the Suez Canal occurred. Britain tried to regain control of the water passage but they backed off under US pressure. The 1960s saw scandals, economic and industrial crises and difficulties in immigration control. President de Gaulle kept vetoing Britain’s application to the EEC because the Beatles were number 1 all over the World.

In the late 60s Northern Ireland was in trouble – the IRA attacked London to scare them off. Not even the decimal conversion helped with the rapid unemployment and rising inflation throughout the country. Strikes and power struggles were the order of the day until the Baroness herself Margaret Thatcher walked on in. The Unions were crushed, privatisation seemed the right thing to do, taxes were slashed but inflation went mad along with unemployment – a woman’s touch indeed. Youths rioted and racial unrest was making the news but this was all covered up by victory in the Falklands. Coal mines shutdown so some men did The Full Monty. Thatcher went chummy with Ronald Reagan and the mad idea of Star Wars was stupidly researched. Thatcher eventually called it quits and England celebrated through acid music and new drugs. Thatcher missed another chance of war in the 1st Gulf conflict in early 1991. Lady Di split from Charles – she ran off with an Egyptian sales manager. Mad cow disease was as worrying as the ongoing Paparazzi invasions who know nothing about human rights unless you’re Jordan with big knockers. Someone even managed to kill some Chinese illegal immigrants who were entering the country in the back of a truck, and this wasn’t an episode of The Bill.

So where is modern day Britain today? The name England is derived from the Welsh name Lloegr which translates as the ‘lost lands’ and they may just go missing at this World Cup. But a last 16 game against the great enemy Germany (their ancestors from centuries ago), is possibly on the cards. A Swede is in control who is a total football nerd – Sven Goran Eriksson who is counting on tall timber Crouch, injured Owen, foot hammered Rooney and some 17 year old kid whose part of a paedophile ring will help resolve their attack. But if Gerrard, Joe Cole, Trevor Brooking’s commentating, Lampard and Bling Beckham do the business then England are a great chance of meeting Argentina for third place! Let’s just hope no referees get death threats from English fans this time. England (or Britain) the 'great' leaders of football yearn to win the big one, the Rugby World Cup in 2003 is not enough.

The future? England are in a group where Sweden and Paraguay always get out of their group, so one of them may not make it, in fact what if two of them miss out? Unlikely but Trinidad and Tobago will play their best game against England and Leo Bennhaker hates missing out as well. It’s a dangerous trip for the Brits; their defensive powers will just get them over the line.

Bottomless pit ranking? What can you say about England? Well the drinking holes are open longer than ever before. Kids have mobile phones to film attacks on strangers, there are heaps of drugs available and plenty of gossip from the newspapers and you always expect the WORST EVER headlines from the English Press as the recent headline “The Unforgettable Defeat” can testify where Arsenal lost to Barcelona in the Champions League final. Australia would love nothing more than a match against England where it would be the highest ever sports TV rating down under – here’s hoping for another David Beckham penalty miss for that match.